We've washed our hair with conditioner three days in a row now. We've done this because we have no shampoo. Our hair is plastered flat to our head. Twice this week we went to the CVS Pharmacy to buy shampoo. Both times we bought what we thought, we swore, was shampoo, only to get home to find out it was conditioner. We now have three bottles of conditioner in our shower, and no shampoo. We're going to go out tonight and try again. This time we're going to buy conditioner again, we can tell. Somehow it's going to happen. And tomorrow we'll have four bottles of conditioner in our shower.
All of this speaks to a general weakness of mind. We plead guilty. We are preoccupied. We're not sure what with, but with something.
Why can't you buy a bottle of shampoo that has nothing written on it, but in big letters, SHAMPOO? That way we would not be fooled. But no. They include the shampoo part in the fine print, or so it seems to us. Everything else is taken up by the kind of hair you have. "For Dry to Crinkly Hair." "For greasy to just dipped in a McDonald's French Fryer Hair." "For fine to fine-spun hair." We don't know what kind of hair we have. We don't care either. We just want shampoo, so we can shampoo it.
This morning we got up late, leaped into the shower, conditioned our hair, raced out the door. Didn't even bother putting on pants. Ended up at work 25 minutes early. Probably because we didn't shave. It takes us an inordinate amount of time to shave. This is because we have a minor case of OCD, and have to be shave every square inch of cheek and neck 14 times, seven up strokes and seven down strokes. We also spend a meticulous and ridiculous amount of time shaving our upper lip. We concentrate on that detail work like Michelangelo.
We're not certain what's happening to us, but it can't be good. This morning we applied underarm deodorant to our upper lip. To keep it from becoming sweaty. Like Nixon. It's as if we have a debate with JFK today and don't want to blow it. We also brushed our teeth with the deodorant. Now we have a fine underarmy aftertaste in our mouth, we haven't shaved, we're not wearing pants, and we're tired. We're smoking too many cigarettes. Twenty aren't enough in a single pack. Tonight, when we go to the CVS to buy conditoner, we're going to ask if they sell any fifty-to-a-pack cigarettes. They don't, but that's what we're going to do. That and we're going to buy a different kind of underarm deodorant, because the kind we have now tastes terrible.
I swear, back when the chil'ren were wee diaper wearing babes, I put Desitin the diaper rash ointment on my tooth brush & only caught my mistake by the smell as I was bringing the brush to my choppers.
Maybe they do sell big packs of smokes; I know they sell beer in bigger cases than 24, which seems great, except the only beer they do that for is Busch & the like. All those beers do is make you drober.
Posted by: Jeffers | May 31, 2012 at 11:46 AM
By all means find a deodorant that tastes good. Some women are armpit lickers in the throes of passion so best be prepared for that when you do find one who is into apathy. (Wow, you get some interesting Youtube porn when you google "armpit lickers.")
Posted by: AnitaNH | May 31, 2012 at 11:53 AM
I just went 4 days without a toothbrush. mine burned up with my truck, a brand new tube of Androgel, and 4 tabs of Cialis while I was on my way to meet my armpit lickin friend down at the Admiral Ho Motor Inn.
Speaking of licking armits, this always cheers me up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUP5rwVNJko
Posted by: No-Low T | May 31, 2012 at 01:54 PM
I guess you meant Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and not Ordo Carmelitarum Discalceatorum.
Ah, and don't forget to apply that tasty deodorant to your knees. And stop wearing fish as underwear!
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | May 31, 2012 at 01:57 PM
In Germany, you can buy 24 cigarettes to a pack. Those extra 4 sure come in handy! I forgot about armpit lickers; I have to say that's one of the rare fetishes I have absolutely no interest in. That and ear fucking. They should put out a combination armpit deodorant/toothpaste and kill two birds with one stone. Call it toothpit creme or something. I would definitely go in for a tasty strawberry. Or vanilla cinnamon!
Posted by: UF Mike | May 31, 2012 at 03:38 PM
And Jan Martin's right. Why no knee deodorant? I like licking knees. Who doesn't? And a tasty knee is the kind of knee is that lick-irresistible!
Posted by: UF Mike | May 31, 2012 at 03:40 PM
"And stop wearing fish as underwear!"
Good words man, good words.
Posted by: bullets | May 31, 2012 at 08:01 PM
But why? They're comfortable, and as a fabric they breathe well. That is if you're underwater.
Posted by: UF Mike | May 31, 2012 at 08:55 PM
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Posted by: Personalized Fashion Advice | December 12, 2012 at 02:49 PM