When we were younger we had a dog named Herpes. He was a quavering, howling, twitching, incontinent, partly hairless, smelly delight. When it thundered, he crawled under the bed and made Cher-like noises with his mouth. We liked to walk him in the woods, where he would invariably find a man's underpants filled with feces. This he would bring us like a gift. It made us wonder. Who were all these men shitting in their underpants, then abandoning them to nature?
You commit to a dog, and he fills a portion of your life with joy. Herpes had a tumor at the end of his tail. He liked to bark playfully at the mailman, then attempt to seize him by the ankle. Some dogs are pants leg dogs, Herpes always went straight for the bone.
Herpes smelled like a burning bag of shit, and enjoyed films about other dogs. You can tell us that dogs don't have a clue what's on television, but Herpes pissed on the television every time Pat Robertson showed his face. Pat Robertson did not have to speak. Herpes recognized him, and knew him for a foe.
Herpes was not a fast dog, 3 legs will do that. But he sped through our life like a Porsche. We didn't give him his name, by the way. It was written on a tag that was around his neck at the animal shelter, and it must have been a medical diagnosis but we thought it was his name. We thought Herpes was a Greek god.
"Cher-like noises"...Mike, I love you. I just wanted to say it.
Now I'll be humming this all day.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUZChsfFhwU&feature=related
Posted by: Bullet Holes | November 17, 2011 at 01:24 PM
I didn't get it at first--but that three-legged stray on the highway brought me on home. I love you too, man!
Posted by: UF MIKE | November 17, 2011 at 02:54 PM
twenty-one lines.
I counted 'em.
xxx
Posted by: red dirt girl | November 17, 2011 at 07:34 PM
This is brilliant! I have linked to it on my blog today:
http://dsdnt.blogpot.com
Posted by: Anthony Weir | November 18, 2011 at 05:43 AM
Funny, I still count 20. But math was never my strong suit. Thank you, Anthony. I will check out your wonderful blog forthwith.
Posted by: UF MIKE | November 18, 2011 at 09:35 AM
Twenty it is...& Herpes was his name-o!
Posted by: Jeffers | November 18, 2011 at 01:30 PM
Thank you, third-party counter. As you well know, we never had a dog named Herpes. We had a dog named Colonel, but he was well before our time. I may have been a wee child during his tenure as Little family dog, but you were still a lustful glint in the patriarch's eye. I think he was a big dog, the only big dog in Little family history. After Colonel--he was a real colonel in the Air National Guard--we went the small dog route, and never looked back. There was Taffy, who had a good long run, than a quick assortment of short-lived and ill-fated pooches most of whose names have been lost in the mists of time. There was a Murphy, and a Heidi, and I can't remember the rest. All I know is they were a heedless and reckless bunch, and died like indians in a plague blanket outbreak.
Posted by: UF MIKE | November 18, 2011 at 02:22 PM
Anthony, I love your site! As a saved Christian and long-time professional singer of old time gospel music, I was agog at the many resources you provide on your blog. Now tell me you were just joshing, before I call down Satan to blast your harvest.
Posted by: UF MIKE | November 18, 2011 at 02:26 PM
There is an 'Exodus Route' as a tourist attraction?! Amazing the stuff you can find on the web. Absolutely amazing. I am SO there! Oh yeah! I'll bring my banjo and go by rented donkey singing Let My People Go! That is the new direction I need in my life I think. Saddle up, Padre!
Mike, not only is this blog homey and fabulous, but the people you attract... brilliant. Can I get an Amen?
Posted by: Martijn | November 18, 2011 at 03:36 PM
Ohhhh....you mean those things called sentences with a period at the end. Wow my reference for lines was soooo off. I'm thinking little white lines on the coffee table; that big white line you're supposed to walk in a straight line; those horrendous crowded lines during the holiday season ....
Actually, I was just trying to yank your chain. Looks like I yanked a few others as well!
xxx
Posted by: red dirt girl | November 18, 2011 at 11:32 PM
Ah, those little white lines on the coffee table. 21 of them would be nice! As for me, it's easy to yank my chain; I've been a circus exhibit for so long, my neck is chafing... have a good one, RDG!
Posted by: UF MIKE | November 21, 2011 at 08:55 AM
Martijn--AMEN!
Posted by: UF MIKE | November 21, 2011 at 08:56 AM
Ha ha, I never got the Amen till today as Steve Bulletholes linked this post on his blog and I got the chance to read ánd enjoy everything again & again & again. Thank you, Padre.
(I don't know why I wrote so strangely back in the day; it must have been sheer enthusiasm -- it's always scary to read one's own writing afterwards.)
Also thanks to Steve.
Posted by: Martijn | July 09, 2012 at 06:24 PM
hello kitty games http://hello-kittygames.org
Posted by: Frurnleange | February 07, 2013 at 10:55 PM