UNREMITTING FAILURE

Healthcare Reform

There's a big debate going on about healthcare reform, a debate that we know nothing about because we'd prefer to google old pictures of Firefall.  Presumably, however, real issues are at stake, and as a citizen we have a responsibility to inform ourselves about said issues and then take a stand.

So we've read up on the debate, and we find ourselves amongst the conservatives, who believe that every wealthy American has a right to affordable healthcare. 

We're lucky enough to belong to an HMO, or health maintenance organization.  The organizing principle of an HMO is that you join, then they fuck you coming and going.  It's a clever idea and we envy the people who thought it up. 

Millions of Americans have no healthcare at all.  This is a rotten state of affairs only for those weaklings who get sick.  Remain vigilant against illness, and you will have no need to spend your kids' food money on doctor's bills.

Lots of people  have erroneous ideas about the healthcare reform being debated in Congress.  They fear they'll come before "death panels" that will decide whether they live or die.  This is ridiculous.  The death panels won't make such decisions; they'll simply make recommendations to physicians, who will make the ultimate call.

It is our hope that our wise legislators can come up with a sane healthcare policy that involves the use of medieval barbers, who will charge low prices based on the fact that they have no medical training whatsoever.   In our ideal world, $5 will get you a lobotomy and a haircut.

What's Your Sign?

We don't care.  We're a Libra.  What are the characteristics of a Libra?  Well, we're balanced and good-natured.  We're able to stand back and look impartially upon an issue.  Chicks dig us, men envy us, and birds carrying olive branches follow us around.  We're brilliant and good looking and kind to animals, although not the kind that can be turned into lunch meat.  We're available for christenings, weddings, and bar mitzvahs.  We can see into the future and can tell you that things will continue to suck spectacularly.  We like trees and have an enormous penis that we like to waggle in public.  Ours is the only astrological sign that isn't an animal or person.  It's a set of scales that allows us to weigh pot with our mind.      

Our Therapist Keeps Telling Us We Should "Own Our Feelings"

But we prefer to rent.

Dope Braggadacio

The ultimate "my weed is better than your weed song." 

The Seventies Were a More Forgiving Time

Not only did you not have to be good looking, you could be a balding nebbish and still slap your picture on the sleeve of your record---and see it go to Number One!  Today a record exec would take one look Robert John and scream, "Out of my office, hideous little man!"  Or maybe have him chained in a basement, where he would be forced to write songs for Mandy Moore.  And good thing too, because nobody wants to listen to music produced by a receding hairline. 

Firefall

This smooth seventies outfit boasted the highest percentage of hawaiian shirts this side of a Jimmy Buffett concert.  The shirts are meant to convey the idea of "fun," a concept invented by the Beach Boys in their song "Fun Fun Fun." One thing we know about that is if you have to say something three times, it's yourself you're trying to convince. 

 

it's an altamont of fun!

Cultural Differences

In Sweden, chewing on your clothing makes your fillings hurt.

"H-h-h-h-HELP! We're ma-ma-ma-ma-rooned!"

You won't want to mis tonight's exciting new episode of "Stutter Island".

At 9pm on NBC.

On this day in 1963

The hotline between the leaders of cold war enemies the United States and the Soviet Union was established.  It did not prevent war, but greatly facilitated the exchange of dick jokes between the two nations. 

In the Seventies

Supergroups hurtled through space on their own custom-made spaceships, in a rush to get to Cleveland on time.  And wherever pot smokers congregated to get high and listen to the very latest in album oriented rock, you were forced to take sides over which you thought was cooler--Boston's guitarship, or ELO's illuminated flying saucer.  Frankly, only the jerks picked ELO.  Jerks and fans of "Mr. Blue Sky."