Ask Baby Hitler

Dear Baby Hitler:  A guy etiquette question.  You're in the bathroom at a row of urinal with a guy next to you.  You fart.  Should you say "I beg your pardon"?  Poot, Sioux City

Dear Poot from Sioux City: For once an interesting question.  In any other situation you would either say "I beg your pardon" or have the other fellow packed off to Dachau.  Except of course if you're amongst friends, in which case you would blame it on Göring.  But the urinal fart presents a special dilemma.  You're there to perform a bodily function, but farting's the wrong one.  If my ass cleared its throat in those circumstances I'd start whistling and walk out.  But I'm the same guy whose farts were considered vengeance weapons. So follow your own conscience.

Dear Baby Hitler: I absolutely love Make Room for Daddy.  Is that wrong? Ed, Connecticut

Dear Ed, Connecticut:  Wow.  Make Room for Daddy.  What a great show. I especially like the 1960 episode called "The Singing Delinquent," where Bobby Rydell plays a young singer whose asocial tendencies are overcome by Danny Thomas' kindness and understanding.  If my father--a bully who mocked my plans to go to art school--had been more like Danny Thomas I'd be in MoMA, not living in the crawl space beneath a Burger King in Muncie Indiana.  

"Traitor! Someone take this teddy bear outside and shoot it immediately!"

Comments

[Dave Mows Grass]

Dear Baby Hitler: Is it bad luck to apply for unemployment benefits on my birthday? Laid Off (for two weeks) in Springdale

[Steve]

Dumkopf urinated on my Jackboots!
Happy B-Day Davy! Isn't your birthsite a National Monument?

[Unremitting Failure]

Dear Dave Mows Grass in Springdale: I'm very sorry to hear you're unemployed. In my day you'd have had a good job building the Autobahn, which is something you may want to consider the next time I run for public office. But as for your question (and Happy Birthday by the way!) no it isn't bad luck. Bad luck is surviving three years on the Eastern Front only to end up paralyzed the whole way up to your eyeballs after tripping over your kid's Slinky. But seriously, my friend, the important thing is to keep your spirits up, and your enemies down.

[Dave Mows Grass]

Thanks Baby Hitler! I'm actually in the rolling-layoff dasein, not quite employed and not quite unemployed, but definitely wary of slinkies.

[Unremitting Failure]

Hey Dave: Truly sorry to hear about your job situation. That totally sucks, unless you have a trust fund. Maybe you could steal somebody's trust fund?