2008: It was the best of years, it was the worst of years. Well actually just the second part. Lots of stuff happened. Some famous people died, some shit blew up, and people suddenly started using the word Blago. We assume it's an Atari product. Personally, we turned 50. For our birthday Mrs. UF got us an AARP membership and an aftershave called "Embalming Fluid." We had 19 near nervous breakdowns. We added "Become canary" to our bucket list. We did not bungee jump, skydive, take up yoga, run a marathon, change our name to DJ Rubix Cube, become a more-rounded human being, learn how to use a squeegee, incorporate The Secret into our life, climb a mountain, become a vegan, find Jesus, go to Paris, fly-fish, buy a neti pot, or heckle a panda. We were twice told to "stop talking dirty to our food." We failed to keep our previous New Year's resolution to develop a nervous tic. We kept our previous New Year's resolution to read a Dean Koontz book. We went to South Carolina, and were awed by how much it looked like North Carolina. We weaseled our way out of jury duty in accordance with Baudelaire's dictum that there's nothing more hideous than a useful man. We successfully added "arms akimbo" to our repertoire of standing positions. We did not fall into the trap of happiness. We remained alive. The Dean Koontz book sucked.
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December 31, 2008
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Neti pot! Ha ha!
Posted by: kfc | December 31, 2008 at 05:24 PM
Also, I feel I should mention I got a solicitation from AARP last year, if it makes you feel any better. And I'm still in my 30s. Yikes. Can't quite figure out how I got sold to that particular mailing list, but there was that one time my then boyfriend bought movie tix online and accidentally chose a "senior" price for me (on one of those slippery drop down mini-windows - that's industry lexicon, I'm sure), which was funny because he was quite a bit younger.
Posted by: kfc | December 31, 2008 at 10:40 PM
Still in your 30s. A child, bless you. I can still vaguely remember my 30s. A wilderness of mirrors, they were. I think I'm going to cry.
Posted by: Unremitting Failure | January 01, 2009 at 10:44 AM
Mrs. UF got us an AARP membership and an aftershave called "Embalming Fluid."
Ha. You know what fuckin' sucks. It looks like they've (the greasy spoons) have conspired to jack up the senior discount age to 55. AARP don't mean shit anymore.
What's this world coming to?
Posted by: Ben | January 02, 2009 at 09:01 AM
BTW, if I ever write a country song, it's going to be entitled "AARP Don't Mean Shit Anymore."
Posted by: Ben | January 02, 2009 at 09:03 AM