UNREMITTING FAILURE

This Photograph of Staff at St. Elizabeth's Psychiatric Hospital

Must have really increased the numbers of people voluntarily seeking treatment there.  We've never seen a more paranoia-inducing scenario than the one depicted below.  Check out the woman in Row One.  She looks like Nurse Ratched after a promotion.  No, wait: that's Nurse Ratched on the right in the second row.  Throw in Father O'Shocktreatment in the back, and you've got yourself a staff that would have made Dr. Petiot proud.

 

"You're crazy, Miss Clayborne! Nuts! Bonkers! Gaga!"

"But I'm only here to apply for a job as a secretary!"

Metro Follies

Taking the subway in this town is like taking kool-aid from Jim Jones.  Every day it's a new disaster.  The escalators, some of which are longer than Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven, break down with frightful regularity.  As a result, traveler's are left to climb said escalators toward the distant light.  This is okay if you're a seasoned alpinist and happen to be wearing your crampons, but for the rest of us, it's an ordeal.  The elderly are doomed.  You seem them clinging to the handrail up and down the escalator, stopped dead by exhaustion.  Sooner or later they topple over backwards and bounce down the steps, taking other damned souls e with them.  Before you know it there's a pile of bodies at the bottom, over top of which you have to climb to get to the steps.  The moans are unpleasant. 

Then there are the train delays, most of which are caused by people leaping onto the tracks.  Suicide would appear to be a popular sport here.  Sometimes two or three suicides will converge at the same station and a tussle will break out over who gets jump preference.  "I was here first!" one will shout.  "I'm more depressed!" another will cry.  "If you don't let me go first I'll kill you both!" shouts a third, nonsensically. 

Annoyances also include a veryloudspeaker system that is constantly delivering oracular announcements that go something like "BLAGH FROTT! PLEASE REP--SCRODDDDD SIZZFEEDBACK!"  And ticket machines that won't accept your bills unless you've ironed them first.  And train doors that close on people and then refuse to re-open.  This always leads to total panic, as nobody wants to be on the train where the businessman gets cut in half.  An attorney, sure.  A cop, certainly.  But attorneys and cops never get stuck in subway doors.  They have magical powers.

Surprise Pardon

In a surprise move , President George W. Bush granted a pardon to Daedalus, arch-villain of the 1963-1966 animated cartoon The Mighty Hercules.  Daedalus received a life sentence in May 1967 after being convicted of numerous counts of attempted murder.  Said President Bush, who also pardoned 13 other people, "Dick [Cheney] wants him freed.  I can't imagine why."

We've been playing

A game of Count the Bones in Ann Coulter's Chest.   After that we'll play Count the Tendon's in Ann Coulter's Neck.  We'll probably put off playing Count the Bones in Ann Coulter's Lips until we find a clearer picture.   

    

Advice to the Young

You only get one crack at this life so find yourself a good hammer and start hammering.  Start with the small bones in your feet.

Turkey Day Is Almost Upon Us!

We don't get our turkey at a store.  We go out and bring one down with a Tomahawk missile, just like the Native Americans used to do.  

We're pleased to announce that this year the UF Family will share its groaning board with a new guest: Neanderthal Man.  You heard us right.  Thanks to radical improvements in genome sequencing, we'll be able to let Neanderthal Man say grace, which will probably go something like "Grar! Grak! Rock block! Gree! Amen."  At which point he'll either break bread or our skull, depending on whether he brings his club.  

                     "Krog like meat woolier!"

 

Whenever We Pass a Person Who Appears to Know What They're Doing

We repeat the old saw, "There but for the grace of God go I."  Because we might easily be that person--another retard of reliability afflicted by the disability of competency.  We have always subscribed to the wisdom of the French poet and dandy Charles Baudelaire, who said, "To be a useful man has always appeared to me to be something particularly hideous."  Sure, we're occasionally tempted to throw off our cloak of fecklessness and do something.  We're only human.  But we resist, because once you've started down that road there's no turning back.  The next thing you know you're participating in Neighborhood Watch.  You're punctual.  The phrase "civic organization" no longer causes the hair on the back of your neck to stand up. You find yourself uttering those loathsome words, "We could hold a car wash." 

"We could hold a car wash."  Let's face it: There's a reason the last four letters in service are vice. 

Look, it's not like we're an evil person.  It's just that we're too busy dying our 72 deaths a day to play our part in the universal farce.  If, as Shakespeare famously said, all the world's a stage, we intend to spend our on-stage time hidden behind the sofa, artfully barking out "Bullshit!" after the serious lines. 

We don't think it's an entirely a coincidence

That things tend to take a turn for the ugly at the same moment we wake up.

Stick-Wielding, Child Abusing Hell Granny Thanks Sarah Palin

Overweight, white,  and obviously confused: Our Country!