UNREMITTING FAILURE

Spanish, Language of the Future!

Albanian, language of the past perfect continuous!

Someday we plan to travel to Albania to see what all the excitement's about. 

In the meantime, we must sate our thirst for all things albanian by making stuff up.  For instance, Albania is the only country in the world whose president was devoured by wild dogs.  Albania has commemorated this happy event on a postage stamp showing the President being devoured by wild dogs while looking very presidential.

Albania is also the only country in the world that still uses meat currency.  It's very tasty and wreaks havoc with convential vending machines.

It Starts With Dunkin' Donuts

The next thing you know, you're dunkin' witches.

Spontaneous Combustion

People do occasionally combust.  But they're never the ones we're aiming at.

Next Season's "Dancing With the Stars"

Just got more interesting.

White House Spokesliar Tony Snow

Is stepping down.  Snow told reporters, "Unfortunately, my recent illness makes it impossible for me to perform my job effectively."  Snow is being treated for cancer of the prevarication glands.

Starting Next Week

We'll be writing this blog from the top of Mt. Olympus.

That's right: we've been Godded.

We've got to tell you, it was a surprise.  When we saw the letter in the mail, frankly we thought it was a joke.  But no, it was for real, which just goes to show you that sending in those little fake paper coins that come inside Mallo Cups can pay off.

We'll have a probationary period, of course.  We won't be able to control the weather or hurl any thunderbolts or anything.  And we're starting off pretty low as God of Organized Brown Bag Lunches.  We know, it doesn't sound like much.  But we'll be the guy responsible for striking down people who snatch other people's lunchbags from the breakroom refrigerator.

One of the best things about being Godded is you get comprehensive dental.  If that isn't godlike, we don't know what is.  We'll also have use of a small cottage about a hammer's throw from Thor's place.  It's nice and would be nicer if it weren't for all the brown patches on the lawn from the nymphs and centaurs who can't be bothered to use the conveniently located Jiffy John.

We're not sure about the dress code.  The job could well require horns.  Or hooves even.  We hope there's Casual Friday.  We have always wanted to see Pan in a polo shirt.

Happy Birthday Pudgy Little Irish Fellow

Today is Van Morrison's birthday and that means something.  Van the Man's famous stammer is just the pursuit of Heaven by other means, and watching his pudgy little kicks at the end of his Last Waltz version of "Caravan" never fails to make us as happy, as does the way he pronounces "radio" like "radish" and throws himself willy-nilly into trances that cause him to bark and growl and roar like a lion in a leisure suit, carrot sideburns burning bright as Belfast. 

Van Manson

Our Elevators

Are nonsmoking, except when they're on fire.

Elevators are cool.  To go up while standing still is like levitating with your feet on the ground.

Life is a long flight of walking stairs rising up and up to a place you never knew you wanted to return to.   There, your emptiness will walk away without a word. Is this a post about death?  If so, we would like to see our dad again, whom we think about every time we hear "Hurt".  The way Johnny Cash sings "Everyone I know goes away in the end" gives us shivers.  We're all going away, everybody goes away from everybody else forever and if we're lucky we'll all wind up back together again at the Hunter's Inn in Littlestown, listening to Johnny sing "One" with neon haloes above our heads. 

Labor Day Weekend

Is upon us. 

Labor Day is a holiday for working people.  It was granted to them by a grateful government as a token of appreciation for their hapless exploitability. 

We don't actually work (government job),  but we get Labor Day off too.  Right now our offices are nearly empty, what with most everybody wanting to enjoy a four-day weekend.  Today is one of those days when all sane federal workers take off, leaving us barking mad ones to run the asylum.  That flubby sound that is produced when a person smacks his lower lip with a finger can be heard all up and down the hallways.  And you should smell the trash can fires!

Celebrated summer is over.  It's time to shut up the summer house at the beach and finally get around to burying its actual owners.   Sure, the smell of barbecued meat will linger, at least until Harney township finishes cremating all the plague victims.  And the boys of summer in their ruin will still be where they always are, hanging around outside the Littlestown Volunteer Fire Company, playing with their lighters.

But soon the leaves will turn, and the rains of autumn will turn the ashes in your grill into a paste which if you smear it on your face will leave you looking a lot like Marlon Brando when he pops out of the river in Apocalypse Now.  And the cold winds will blow, lo all the long night, all the long long desultory night, as we eat horseshoes in the dark. 

Summer's over, pal

Caring For Your New Tail

Congratulations! You have a new tail!

Whether you got your new tail to enhance your personal growth, attract a mate, or just wrap around nearby objects, you will need to care for it like any other body part. This pamphlet will explain everything you need to know to keep your new tail clean and healthy.

If this is your first tail, be careful when getting into and out of automobiles, elevators, and revolving doors. If this is not your first tail, you have probably learned the above lesson the hard way. Also, use caution when wrapping your tail around electrical appliances, wires, etc. Your tail may be prehensile, but it's also a great conductor of electricity. Also exercise discretion in using your tail to handle valuable objects and small children. Your tail is stronger than it looks. Never use your tail to suspend a baby over a balcony.

Your new tail is not a plaything. It is a body part. Like your thumb, only longer and hairier.

For many people, a new tail is a symbol of their status as a "swinging single." But be cautious when using your new tail in the bedroom. Start slowly, and avoid chandeliers. And remember: your new tail and viagra do not mix.

Use care when using machinery such as lawn mowers, weed whackers, and electric mixers. Do not dangle your tail into the water near propellers, sharks, or children.

The hair on your new tail is very sensitive. Do not dye it purple.

Never invite people to hang onto your tail while you're doing chinups as a "feat of strength."

Clean your tail regularly with warm water, soap, and a standard dog brush. Commercially available "tail covers" can protect your tail in extreme weather.

A new tail can add an exciting new element to your life. It's a great conversation starter, and a wonderful way to say "I love you". Careful care and use of your new tail will help to guarantee that it's not severed in a horrible train accident that might have easily been avoided.