I have searched all my life for the words to express the sheer torture and agony of my nervous breakdowns. The words don't exist. You can't express the inexpressible, speak the unspeakable. It is this which has made me feel so distant from my fellow human beings. This failure to communicate what I believe it is essential to communicate has also shaped my belief in the utter futility of existence. Kurtz managed, "The horror! The horror!" No one has come closer. Once you have looked into the abyss, the words vanish. It is this which makes me agree with my spiritual brother, E.M. Cioran, when he says, "As long as you live on this side of the terrible, you will find words to express it; once you know it from inside, you will no longer find a single one."