The court specialized in alternative sentencing. For instance, they sentenced me to a year working at a Renaissance Faire. There, I was assigned to being a pawn in the human chess board. It could have been worse, I could have been assigned me to play the lute. Still, I'd have preferred prison. Instead, I was condemned to standing out in the hot sun, moving one square at a time. How good it felt to be taken! And it's not like being a human chess piece attracted any tail. Just fat girls in medieval garb. I finally cracked and got into a fight with a rook. He had an attitude, and we got into a shoving match. So they moved me to the food concession, where I served giant turkey drumsticks. Who eats a whole turkey leg? The fatties at Renaissance Faires, that's who. The worst part was I had to do renaissance speak. Like, "Hail prithee, would ye care for a turkey drumstick?" Talk about demeaning. It killed me to talk such nonsense. So I stopped doing it, and the boss got all over me. So I hit him with a drumstick, really clubbed the bastard. And that was that. They sent me back to the court, where instead of sending me to jail they gave me one last chance serving the giant steins of mead. The problem was I had to talk like a renaissance doofus again. The good part was I was able to sneak enough mead to make it possible to talk like an asshole. I was half smashed all the time, and the boss noticed. But he didn't want to get hit with a turkey leg again, so he kept his trap shut. A full year I worked there. It was the worst year of my life. They knew better than to let me do any jousting, because I'd have been a real danger with that long pole. I'd have probably killed somebody, I would have. The thing is I haven't broken any laws since then. That Renaissance Faire scared me straight, it did. And it could have been worse. I know a guy that the court sentenced to play in Fotheringay.