She is so beautiful, she made my chihuahua go blind. When I'm in her presence, I wish I was a petting zoo. What else can I tell you? When I ask her if she could ever love me, she punches me in the nose. She is a multicar traffic accident, an unexploded bomb, the Cuisinart that makes pulp of my aching heart. I love her madly, and by that I mean like an insane person, but she passes me by on her way to her palace without so much as a glance in my forlorn direction. If I could win her over by cutting off my legs at the hips, I would. I would totally do it. There is a place I know where her portrait hangs on all four walls and the very earth trembles out of sheer love. I know I am but a mere slave in a dirty loincloth but I know her National Anthem by heart. "And the admirer who watched, was so gallantly screaming."