We are very foreign and new to this country and depressed and think that the women and especially the sex in the bed will help to mend our broken heart. You see in Albinia, the all-albino nation state from which we hail, there is the woman who tore our heart out and ate it while we watched, this after we told her we loved her and wanted to give her yak as a token of our everlasting devotion. After this we leave Albinia by tramp steamer for the New Land, here to make a living as yak sperm importers. We are honest, devoted, and pale, and think the connection between the man and the woman is important for there to be little Albinian-Americans, that and it's fun to wear the ceremonial Albinian love-making outfits and to milk the ceremonial yak before the festivities in the bed, with the kissing and the fondling and the sex toys and the dog at the foot of the bed to guard the bed from other men who would break in and rape the woman, an Albinian tradition. We enjoy bowling and spinning ceremonial pottery yak ejaculation bowls and picking out the giant albino yakherder's dog to guard the foot of the bed, and we would like to see the monument in Washington that is shaped exactly like an Albinian penis with our own inadequate eyes. You: Are short and squat, the better to produce the pale whelps. Your wide hips and rosy lips are matched by your optimism and honesty and dedication to the rich and rewarding family life of the Albinian family, which is based around borscht and the ritual drinking of the insanely strong "blue babulinka" after meals, to prepare for the mood of erotic booby squeezing. Must like Sammy Davis Jr. and Albinian films, as well as singing sensation Vyaklov Vyaklov, who is otherwise known as "the Albinian Heino." In short, we are looking for love in this new homeland and want to hold your hand to our groin, in a friendly introductory way as is traditional upon first meeting of man and submissive spouse. Please respond to this ad, as we are looking to be inserting penis now! Sincerely, Yacop and Spleendov Fermidor.
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April 03, 2012
Comments
The comments to this entry are closed.
It's nice to see people more desperate than me. Well wishes for Yacop and Spleendov Fermidor.
Posted by: Martijn | April 03, 2012 at 03:16 PM
Lately, I have started to take pills a tibetan doctor has prescribed me, and I'll be damned if they are not made of Yak dung. I love Yaks.
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | April 03, 2012 at 03:17 PM
Wow, that is QUITE an ad.
Apropos of nothing, feel free to vote for me:
http://features.peta.org/Sexiest-Vegetarian-2012/Contestant.aspx?cid=8109
:)
Posted by: gillian | April 03, 2012 at 04:53 PM
Good luck!
Posted by: Dave Mows Grass | April 04, 2012 at 07:25 AM
I just voted for you Gillian. How could anyone else win? Best of luck, UF.
Posted by: UF Mike | April 04, 2012 at 10:02 AM
I voted Gilly.
Love the glittery tat on your tit.
Very sparkly.
Posted by: ishootblanks | April 04, 2012 at 11:30 AM
I Shoot Blanks doesn't mince words. He knows what he likes and he comes right out and says it. That's why I admire him so.
Posted by: UF Mike | April 04, 2012 at 11:59 AM
You got my vote as well, Gillian. 'course you got.
Got to hurry now, there's a great autodafé over at Flock of Seadulls anonymous.
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | April 04, 2012 at 01:18 PM
You guys are too kind. The pic is from a night at Miss Kitty's, a club I go to in Hollywood. There's a guy there who I always call the Mardi Gras guy. He always wears a long white lab-type coat and a hat, and hands out Mardi Gras beads, flashing rings, tattoos and the like. He also likes to show people at the club his penis, but I think he's only ever asked to show it to me and my roommate once, which was, uh, plenty. Total freak, but nice. Anyway, he put that glittery lip tattoo on my breast. Incidentally, the theme that night was White Trash night.
There are a lot of very sexy ladies (and some not-so-sexy) in this contest, so I'm not holding my breath; it's just a lark. A friend of mine mentioned me on his OC Weekly blog, which is kind of unfair, but was really sweet, but I still don't expect to get very far :)
http://blogs.ocweekly.com/stickaforkinit/2012/04/americas_sexiest_vegetarian.php
Posted by: gillian | April 04, 2012 at 02:11 PM
I forgot to mention, there's a picture of me from that night where I am pretending to lick one of the KFC buckets they had suspended in the club as decoration, but I figured it'd be a bad idea to submit that one :)
Posted by: gillian | April 04, 2012 at 03:17 PM
Hahaha! A vegan licking a KFC bucket. Thats hot. Bad girl!
Posted by: ishootblanks | April 04, 2012 at 03:56 PM
Here you go gillian.
http://srevestories.blogspot.com/2012/04/sex-sells-drumsticks.html
Posted by: ishootblanks | April 04, 2012 at 04:52 PM
Awwwwwww, THANK YOU!
Posted by: gillian | April 04, 2012 at 05:49 PM