First of all, and this is something you may have noticed yourself, it's difficult to write when you've been taken hostage by pandas. We spend most of our free time eating bamboo, and they deeply resent our wanting to take time out to write blog entries. Pandas don't blog, ever, and they distrust animals that do.
Our being taken hostage by pandas makes for a mildly interesting story. We were walking down the street, a panel van pulled to the curb beside us, and two pandas emerged from the side door and hustled us inside. They then blindfolded us, threw us on the floor, and drove us to an undisclosed location, we believe in the Catskills, where panda separatists and Jewish borscht belt comedians keep an uneasy peace. Some of the ideas of the comedians have penetrated panda culture, though not in the way you might expect. For example, the pandas have adopted the concept of the celebrity "roast." On those nights everyone gathers in their finest garb and the smell of roasting celebrity suffuses the forest. Then the next day the police come around, and ask the pandas if they've seen so and so, the second-rate celebrity, and all the pandas shake their head no.
Why they've taken us hostage remains a mystery. We surmise that at least one of our panda hostage-takers can read, and that he ran across our blog and was so outraged by it that he decided to put an end to it then and there. But why then haven't they killed us? The answer is that pandas are peaceful beasts, and would just as soon sit around eating bamboo as finish us off with a burst of one of the AK-47s they carry around.
Anyway, it's a relatively sedentary lifestyle up here, and in a way we left Washington at a good time. Our ex-wife, for example, is currently dating a hill staffer. We asked her why she couldn't at least have the decency to date a human being, and the two of us didn't talk for two days after that. Also, our failure to quit smoking left us depressed, and all we wanted to do was lie around and sleep. Up here everybody lies around and sleeps, and smokes like a chimney, so we feel right at home. It also puts our complicated housing situation on hold. The ex-Mrs. UF and yours truly were ready to rent a two-bedroom apartment but Mrs. UF backed out at the last minute, costing us our $500 deposit but probably saving us a year of bloodshed and chaos. So now we have to look for a one-bedroom apartment for ourselves, but it has to be big enough for a bunch of pandas to crash in when they come to town.
Besides, we haven't had a writable thought in weeks. So the pandas picked an auspicious time to kidnap us, and we've been grateful for the respite. And now we have to climb down from this tree where we've hidden our computer and join our new panda friends in a chummy game of hacky sack. Don't let the AK-47s fool you; pandas are hippies at heart.
Sorry to hear about the hassles. Hey, if you can swing it, want to, & the pandas are willing, you could always visit us here in Delaware. You know you're always welcome. Love you,
Jeffers
Posted by: Jeffers | February 23, 2012 at 01:01 PM
Thank you Jeffers. I'll check into the Greyhound fares. I hate to ride a dog to Delaware, but that's about the only way I can get there since I don't drive.
Posted by: UF Mike | February 23, 2012 at 01:17 PM
I haven't had a commentable thought in months, but I want to say... you know. All that! (Jeffers said it best.) Panda's, if you can't beat them...
Posted by: Martijn | February 23, 2012 at 04:20 PM
Once again I'm glad to see you're back, Mike! Hope the whole bovver will end soon, at least you shouldn't be forced to work more than necessary - which is, nought.
(A politician! I'd rather date Cthulhu!)
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | February 23, 2012 at 04:21 PM
Great post Mike. Love what you said to the X about her date. You can have a lot of fun with that. It reminds me of this...
http://srevestories.blogspot.com/2008/12/i-seem-to-be-inundated-with-stories-of.html
Posted by: ishootblanks | February 23, 2012 at 05:10 PM
If you stay with the pandas and any of the pandas look like this, you'll never get any visitors to leave. http://www.pandafix.com/pandafix/2007/01/18_baby_pandas_.html
Sorry for adding my sad news to your last post, considering what you've been going through. I'm glad you're back and sharing with us.
Posted by: gillian | February 23, 2012 at 07:00 PM
Sorry about Mischa. Really. Hey everybody!
Posted by: UF Mike | February 24, 2012 at 11:52 AM
You're living the woods with bears and you ask HER why she won't date humans? I think we have found the problem.
Posted by: rick piel | February 29, 2012 at 08:02 PM