Like all the good hate mail we pulled in after writing that Fugazi article for the City Paper. It seems it's impossible to outrage anybody in the blogosphere these days. Or maybe we've stopped trying. More's the pity, because there's nothing quite so entertaining as a blistering and obscenity-laded diatribe directed at your person. We thrived on that "Eat a bag of dicks and die" shit. It gave us a thrill woody. To know that somebody out there hated us so much they just had to put it down in words and put it in the mail really made us feel loved. Like the Delgados sing, "Hate Is All You Need."
Who knows, maybe we're maturing. We haven't attracted a single sustained piece of written loathing since we don't remember when. Truth is, hate, except for politicians, pigs and poltroons of their like, is hardly worth the bother. And if you don't send any hate out, you're unlikely to get any back.
Still, we can fondly remember. The days when our very name was anethema to large segments of the DC hipster population. They've all forgotten us now. But we'll never forget them. We owe them a large portion of gratitude. Thanks, haters.
Haters gonna hate. Don't give up.
Hello, Mike.
Posted by: scott | February 23, 2012 at 04:07 PM
Hey Scott! Good to hear from you. I hope all's well with you and yours. But my point is, I thrive on the haters. They're my bread and butter!
Posted by: UF Mike | February 23, 2012 at 04:11 PM
Writing hate mails is for cowards, the uninspired, the envious and the talentless.
I love your talent and your writing style and your wit and the jokes and the serious stuff as well. This was not a hate mail, I hope ithis doesn't make you sad.
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | February 23, 2012 at 04:41 PM
You really want hate mail? My experience is that nothing sparks more raw hatred than when people think you're an elitist snob. (That's what she yelled at me.) So... take your pick: opera, 60s French cinematography, minimalist music, defend it with gusto, dish our some snot to 'base popular culture' and before you know it, you've got the whole village at your doorstep, picks, torches & everything!
(love this post)
Posted by: Martijn | February 23, 2012 at 05:48 PM
I will work on an epic hate letter just for you.
No, I won't. But I thought about it for a few seconds. Out of love.
Posted by: gillian | February 23, 2012 at 07:20 PM
first u take my most favorite cat panting ever say its poorly painted or "amaturishy renderd or whatevr thn call it glowers like thats a reel fucking name what r u some fucking feline fuck fucker? thn u pretnd like tha cat is some fucking fashist commentwer bashing republicans and shit i bet you sit around listing to that gorge strait song where he says u tell ur frends im perfect and that i love your cat but you now me bettr then that or that or that kieth urban song wher he says take ur cat but leeve my swetter you fucking redneck i hope you slip in cat shit and die u fucking nazi cat hating mother fucker!
Posted by: Dave Mows Grass | February 24, 2012 at 12:20 AM
CAPS LOCKED and it's perfect, Dave!
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | February 24, 2012 at 01:40 AM
Dave, you've warmed my heart. Thanks for the comments, everybody!
Posted by: UF Mike | February 24, 2012 at 11:36 AM
Yes, CAPS lock would have been perfect. But, almost gilding the lily, really. :)
Posted by: gillian | February 24, 2012 at 12:58 PM
Hate mail is a tricky beast. If you're lucky, you engender a cult of foul-mouthed erudites; people with a reasoned, careful opinion in opposition, capable of clearly and concisely expressing their antithesis in filthy terms. But considering the impersonality of the internet, the burden of reason is nonexistent- you just end up with people unable to see even their own side side of an argument. Besides which, there's only so long you can read the back and forth between people incapable of properly spelling "douchebag".
As it's unlikely you'll manage to educate the usual, vulgar letter writers, and I'm reasonably sure MENSA's angriest jerks have better things to do, your only hope is to curdle the vocabulary of already clever people willing to respond in print. Perhaps write divisive columns, and end them with crude vocabulary lessons. It's the only way to ensure people realize the adjectivized form of "cocksucker" isn't "cocksucking" but rather, "cocksuckerous".
Posted by: JEB | February 24, 2012 at 01:04 PM
Gillian, a stór mo chroí, thanks for that phantastic expression "gilding the lily", I like that very much.
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | February 25, 2012 at 11:23 AM
I like that line "...your only hope is to curdle the vocabulary of already clever people willing to respond in print." Something downright sinister about that. The line "your only hope" conjures images of a projected Princess Leila. On another note I was at kmart perusing the Jr. Men's t-shirt choices hoping for something along the lines of my happy find of eco minded message of a few years back but all I found was a fashion line of the word sinister in every color and skulls. you can sleep with skulls now on your pajama pants K-mart shoppers.
Posted by: karoline | February 27, 2012 at 11:45 AM
But think, man! Think damnit! Have you insulted everyone? There must be a cult, species, race or habit left for you to rub the wrong way. A nice little insulting niche. Dead pop stars are 13 a dime these days, and their relatives are all used to the mockery. Politicians, popes, painters, plebs, the neti pot... check, check & check.
I know it's boring, but I think you'll just have to target a golden oldie, the reli nuts. Nothing more humourless, hating and judgemental than Christians... some Christians mind you! (I have no intention of scooping up all that lovely hate mail before your feet). Mike, the floor is all yours (applause)...
[P.S. Please excuse my excellent mood. I won the legal battle against my boss! The Authorities refuse to give her a permit to fire me! All because I proved that her claims were bullshit. A round of Hoorahs in my room!]
Posted by: Martijn | February 27, 2012 at 03:49 PM
Congratulations, Martijn!
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | February 27, 2012 at 04:12 PM
Martijn, that is wonderful...way to go!!
Posted by: AnitaNH | February 27, 2012 at 04:12 PM
Oh thank you mightily Jan Martin and Anita.
But how is Unremitting Failure going to gain that level of impopularity it so desperately seeks?
Posted by: Martijn | February 27, 2012 at 04:42 PM
Congratulations, Martijn! That's wonderful!!!
Posted by: gillian | February 27, 2012 at 06:51 PM
Jan Martin, "gilding the lily" is one of my favorite expressions.
JEB, back when I was a receptionist, my boss was dodging calls from this one SUPER ANNOYING customer, and I'd been really nice to the customer all day, patient with his eleventy-billion calls, during which he was his usual asshole-ish self, and he got increasingly more abusive, until the last call when he said, "Miss, you're a douchebag!" I lost it (having spent the past 6-7 hours dealing with his crap every 15-20 minutes, and not responding well to being called a douchebag), and screeched, "Fuck you, asshole!" and slammed the phone down. Then I proceeded to run into the parking lot and cry hysterically.
My boss, who was mostly a total jerk, actually defended me, and read the customer the riot act later on.
Anyway, that's what I think of when I see the word "douchebag". Good times!
Posted by: gillian | February 27, 2012 at 06:58 PM
Oh, and Mike, where are you? Without you, we are lost! We are lost, anyway, but it's more fun with you blogging like hell!
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | February 28, 2012 at 01:52 AM
http://futility.typepad.com/futility/2008/09/election-commentator-glowers-the-poorly-painted-cat.html
Glow-wers! Glow-wers! Glow-wers!
Posted by: Dave Mows Grass | February 28, 2012 at 07:29 AM
The last visit of the great haters at this blog I remember can were from the Man Skirt Clan. Perhaps they can accomodate you once more? You touched an open nerve with those types.
Posted by: Martijn | February 28, 2012 at 11:54 AM
What happened to my syntax just now? It was all wrong. I should remain silent and shameful from now on.
Posted by: Martijn | February 28, 2012 at 03:04 PM
I'm getting nothing back on my Futility Tax this year.
Posted by: ishootblanks | February 28, 2012 at 04:52 PM
What's so fascinating about hatemails? Look at the world around you. and you'll see, there's enough hate going round already. I want some love going on, ok?
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | February 29, 2012 at 09:18 AM
This might make you happy JML. I am going to lead a generating smiling energy from with in session next month at a women's worship circle which will suggest tapping into ones own Happiness spirit guide. Delusional I know but creating a forced smile on the in breath and relaxing on the out breath five times is so much fun.
Posted by: karoline | February 29, 2012 at 11:55 AM
It DID make me happy, Karoline! The reality you create sounds alright for me. I am currently reading Wilson's "Masks of the Illuminati" for the 5th or 6th time, so much for my current state of mind.
A women's worship circle? Pray for me, will ypu? I could use it right now!
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | February 29, 2012 at 01:12 PM
Jan Martin, I have been watching videos by Max Igan. I am comforted by the idea that we are all frequencies of a single consciousness and that the energy of pure unconditional love is the connection between all people, that everything follows the path of sacred geometry.
I have been reading a lot over the past couple of years. My wake-up call came when I first saw Alex Jones' "Endgame" and I spent a lot of time researching eugenics. The result was that I came to accept what Alex Jones, David Icke and now Maxwell Igan have to say. I have been working through the anger about fluoride, vaccinations, GMO foods and chemtrails.
Just the other night I watched a series of videos by Max Igan and I finally got it! What a brilliant man. The way I have chosen to live my life as a recluse with no TV or car now makes perfect sense to me. The direction my art has been taking makes perfect sense to me. I am no longer fearful.
Igan talks about the 5 outer/lower senses and the 105 higher or inner senses. So my mission is to familiarize myself with all 105 along with the knowledge of the ancestors. Despite the Illuminati, life is suddenly good again!
Posted by: AnitaNH | February 29, 2012 at 02:26 PM
Sorry, Mike for carrying on in your comments section.
(Karoline, your circle sounds fantastic!)
Posted by: AnitaNH | February 29, 2012 at 04:39 PM
I believe the words intended were "laden" and "anathema". I HATE people who try to come off all intelligent and shit, but can't or won't spell correctly.
Posted by: Robert Stanger | February 29, 2012 at 05:01 PM
aaah robert stranger we all have our failings and shit:)
Posted by: karoline | February 29, 2012 at 09:35 PM
Hey Bobs, pull your head out of your ass, ok, it's time to come up for some air.
Posted by: Jeffers | March 01, 2012 at 08:44 AM
Oh, oh, yeah...and shit.
Posted by: Jeffers | March 01, 2012 at 09:26 AM
I rather stick with Robert Anton Wilson and Bill Hicks - it's quite similar to Icke, as far as I have seen, but without the reptos but with more jokes.
Err ... and shit.
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | March 01, 2012 at 12:26 PM
breath in and smile....breath out and relax....damn, that feels weird.
Posted by: ishootblanks | March 01, 2012 at 03:57 PM
FU- FUCCKIN'- GAZI - CONSISTENTLY OVER-RATED. ALMOST A FUCCKIN' RELIGION HERE IN AUSTRALIA. LA-DE-FUCCKIN'-DA! i CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT CRASS. NOTE CAPS THOROUGHLY LOCKED! Hey Mike, p.s I hate you, LOVE DAN.
Posted by: Dan | March 02, 2012 at 04:16 AM