This is the story of another one of our failures. We got up Friday intending to quit smoking, drew some fresh air into our lungs and went "Ugh," laid down on the couch to get our strength to face the day. This was at 1 in the afternoon, we'd taken the day off work, figuring there was no way we could stop smoking there, and lying on the couch we saw pass by us cigarette after cigarette in the many disguises of Maya. Thought, "This is going to be harder than we figured," finally got up, made it to Bethesda Bagel for a whitefish salad on bagel which tasted weird without the cigarette smoke flavoring it, almost cracked on our way to the gym but didn't. Didn't crack afterwards either. All in all we made it the whole day without smoking a single cigarette but by the end of the day everything was black and we were comatose and we knew we'd made a terrible mistake, quitting.
We figured the second day would be slightly easier but no, it was harder, we laid on the sofa again muttering in a fever dream of nicotine desire. The Marlboro Man sat down on the chair next to the sofa and said, "This doesn't have to be so difficult, son. Just run next door to the gas station, buy a pack, smoke two, and throw the rest away. It'll be our little secret, yours and mine." So we did that then headed to the gym and by the time we got back things were worse than ever and Mrs. UF (ex) asked how the quitting was going and we said, "Pretty badly, considering we smoked two this afternoon." And she blew up and said, "I'll be damned if I'm going to put up with this, you've been comatose for a day and a half and now you're telling me you're going to have to start over? Not on my watch. Quit some other time, like when you're living alone and I don't have to watch you quiver with self-pity." And it was true we were quivering with self-pity, it's one of those things we're good at, we could teach a master's class on the subject. So we raced next door to the gas station, bought another pack, and this time started smoking in earnest. And immediately we felt happy joyous and free. Sure we felt a twinge of guilt but that was about it, a tiny prick of guilt that the smoke quickly tamped down as we stood on the patio with Rudi running around our legs and inhaled, and inhaled, and inhaled.
What will we try next? We're thinking acupuncture. It's chinese and involves needles so we're sure to fail at it.
Do you really want to quit, or do you just want to want to quit? If it's the latter, then it'll be damn near impossible. Your quitting needs to burn with Pater's hard, gemlike flame!
Posted by: Jeffers | February 13, 2012 at 12:27 PM
It's not an act of willpower to quit smoking, you quit just like that when the time to quit is there. And if it is on your deathbed.
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, so there.
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | February 13, 2012 at 12:30 PM
heck I dunno, I quit dozens of times before it took, but I was a lousy smoker. I just wouldn't worry about quitting if the quitting was driving me nuts.
Posted by: Jeffers | February 13, 2012 at 01:40 PM
You're both right. I simply think I don't really want to quit. I think for now I'll stick with Nows, since they're flavorless but can still give you cancer. That seems like a reasonable compromise.
Posted by: UF Mike | February 13, 2012 at 01:46 PM
At least you had a reason for taking Friday off. I took today off because of a barely visible dusting of snow. I guess that's a reason. I took vacation tomorrow, too, for Valentine's Day. Mrs. DMG (current) and I are going to Bethesda Bagel because we heard they made really good whitefish salad bagels. We're not going to order whitefish salad bagels, but if their whitefish salad bagels are good, their kimchi bagels are probably pretty good, too. I'm enjoying the quitting smoking saga even if you're not, by the way. Good luck with it.
Posted by: Dave Mows Grass | February 13, 2012 at 02:29 PM
Have you tried one of those weird Star Trek vapor-haler things?
Its some kind of fake cigarette thing that lets you suck and blow some kind of innocuous looking cloud like substance in and out. Some of them are as big as this "S" shaped chamber pipe I used to have in the day; others have little twinkle lights on them that glitter and glow according to how hard you suck.
People using them look stupid, even if the pipe itself is kinda pretty, but apparently its safe, and if you are anything like me you don't mind so much looking stupid.
Posted by: ishootblanks | February 13, 2012 at 02:37 PM
Ismokeblanks, or what?
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | February 13, 2012 at 03:16 PM
Dave, you won't be sorry. Their kimchi bagels are to die for! They bury them in a jar underground for 22 years!
ishootblanks, I haven't tried one of those. I know me. You say safe, and I'm like, why bother? Why should I look stupid AND be safe? I prefer looking stupid just smoking, and it's dangerous!
Posted by: UF Mike | February 13, 2012 at 04:26 PM
my mom smokes and shes 80 soon to be 81, she smokes alot especially when she has company. Its her excersize, if she didn't smoke she would have no reason to get up out of her chair and go on the porch to smoke. if she sat in her chair all day she would die of a blood clot so smoking saves her like. it sucks her memory away for the lack of oxygen but hey memories are over rated. Smoke away! happy valentines day, kids say thanks for the cards
Posted by: karoline | February 13, 2012 at 08:48 PM