They say things like, "Such and such sucked, the plot resolution blah blah blah." They're all such idiots. There are two things people don't want to hear from other people in this life, and that's their dreams and their opinions about movies. When a friend tells us what they thought about a movie, we drive them to the Pine Barrens in New Jersey, shoot them, and bury them in an unmarked grave. The most that you're allowed to say about a film is that you liked it or you didn't like it. If you try to elaborate by saying, "Oh, I simply adored it," it's a drive to the Pine Barrens for you.
People shouldn't even go to the movies, they eat too much popcorn and ruin their dinner. We used to go to this porn theater and it didn't serve popcorn so that was all right. For some reason, porn and popcorn don't really go together. Probably because you put your hand on your dick, then your hand in the box of popcorn, and you get the idea. It's unedifying.
Porn is the only genre that matters, because there's always a happy ending. That and you never get sick of seeing the trailers on television. We always like to watch the credits at the end of a porn film and see who did costume design. We have our favorites. You would think that clothing would be superfluous in a film where most everybody is naked, but that is where you're wrong. In a sense, the clothing are the movie, because they're what gets lost. Every movie is in a sense about something getting lost, and in porn it's the clothing. And unlike in a regular movie, they never get found again. Nobody ever puts their clothes back on in a porn movie, if they did you'd think the film was moving in reverse and demand your money back.
I once had a dream where I was in a new appartment, and it was aall empty. I suddenly heard a loud noise from the next room, but didn't care. Then there was another noise, and a voice from the off said "The dance of the penguins only takes place every 2000 years." I opened the door, and in the next room, there was the Antarctic, the noise had come grom the icebergs, and there was a trawler with a banner, and on the banner it read, "Today: The Dance of the Penguins", and all of a sudden, there was really loud classical music, for ballet I think it was, and a little penguin appeared and danced all around the ship with jumps and pirouettes and all that.
Then I woke up. I just HAD to tell somebody.
As for movies: Either you like "Death Race 2000" or you're a pussy.
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | February 23, 2012 at 05:01 PM
My best friend, Andrea, frequently tells me I should have been a film critic. Please don't hate me.
Also, snuff porn doesn't have a happy ending for everyone.
Posted by: gillian | February 23, 2012 at 07:09 PM
That's a dream I actually wouldn't take you out to the Pine Barrens and shoot you for relating. But only because it had a dancing penguin in it.
Gillian, I hope snuff porn is a myth. I hope. Please tell me it's a myth.
Posted by: UF Mike | February 24, 2012 at 11:43 AM
I'd like it to be a myth, but would Law & Order lie?
Posted by: gillian | February 24, 2012 at 12:59 PM