All according to some lunar legerdemain that we confess to not understanding. But we're not here to write about the tides. We're here to write about Newt Gingrich, and how the moon might be affecting his behavior. After all, he wants to build a colony on the moon, assumably to raise goats and produce moon cheese.
Newt, a Republican candidate for President, is well known for his grandiose ideas. Could the moon be responsible for his suggestion that America establish the first rhinoceros kickball league? Could it account for his proposal to tax poor black children at the 35% gumball level? We simply don't know. What we do know is that he never makes campaign appearances on full moons, and that staffers familiar with the candidate call dealing with him on such evenings a "hairy proposition."
We make no secret of our dislike of Mr. Gingrich, who once tore apart our dog and ate him on just such a full moon night. The next day he attributed his behavior to an honest disagreement with the dog over a flat tax rate. "Arguments sometimes become heated," explained Newt, "and Rover crossed the line with his statement that I sent a bill for viagra to my first wife while she was in the hospital for cancer."
There is no checking the veracity of many of Newt's statements, for he is as slippery as a salamander. However, Newt's calling himself a Washinton outsider is like calling Elton John a ladies man with a full head of natural hair. Newt spent years in Congress, then when he resigned with an 18 percent approval rating he crawled up the butt of the first lobbying firm to come sniffing around.
All politicians lie, of course. It's as natural to them as wearing American flag lapel pins. But Newt's 98 percent mendacity rate is almost 3 percent higher than that of your normal politician, and his lies tend to be bigger. It was Newt who claimed he won the Vietnam War with "his own two deadly hands." Straightfaced he said this. It must be the moon that's responsible. That or Newt is just a big fat liar, whose idea of family values is personally producing as many families as possible.
Lycanthropy explains a lot, that's for sure. That said, wouldn't Newt look bitchin' iwith some big ol' sideburns or mutton chops?
Posted by: Jeffers | January 31, 2012 at 11:06 AM
Here's a post-SC debate photo of Newt with a "fan".
http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=lycanthropy&view=detail&id=0064A6D83C608401370FD461CD729D0BAB57545D&first=0&qpvt=lycanthropy&FORM=IDFRIR
Posted by: Jeffers | January 31, 2012 at 11:08 AM
"Lycanthropy", "lunacy" - nothing a silver bullett couldn't fix. Where can I donate?
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | January 31, 2012 at 11:26 AM
I feel so delightfully young (or childish) for not being able to get over someone called Newt. Is there ANY sillier name imaginable?
That said, kudos on the story and good luck with the witch hunt! Although, I am on Jeffers side. It would be something new to get a werewolf as president. Or a GENUINE vampyre for a change.
Posted by: Martijn | January 31, 2012 at 01:23 PM
why choose the lesser evil, Martijn?
http://www.thelovecraftsman.com/2011/11/why-choose-lesser-evil-12-great.html
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | January 31, 2012 at 01:50 PM
http://thegillian.net/blog/?p=10178
Posted by: gillian | January 31, 2012 at 06:09 PM
She's from Alien 3, isn't she?
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | January 31, 2012 at 09:39 PM
Choose the lesser evil is the name of the game. Life that is. It's not a choice between Johan Sebastian Bach and The Black Keys, it's a choice between Boney M and Michael Bolton. If it were up to me, we had Plato as president, but as it is, we have a silly stuffy Queen and a neo-liberal with a nice smile as Prime Minister, but I have given up the dreams long ago. I enjoy the crazy ride.
Posted by: Martijn | February 01, 2012 at 05:54 AM
squids are smart
Posted by: karoline | February 01, 2012 at 08:31 AM
Yeah Gillian, she is from Alien... Alien 2. She might be in Alien 3 as well. I've never seen 3.
Posted by: ishootblanks | February 01, 2012 at 09:34 AM
Blanks, you are dead right. Alien 2 it was.
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | February 01, 2012 at 11:49 AM
Yep, Newt is from Aliens. I never watched Alien 3, but I heard that
***SPOILER ALERT***
within the first few minutes, there's a crash and Hicks, Newt, and Bishop, the artificial human, all die. LAME.
Posted by: gillian | February 03, 2012 at 03:56 PM
Yeah, but Ripley survived, and she looked dead-sexy with her shaved head.
Speaking of survival: Mike? Hello?
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | February 04, 2012 at 09:25 AM