The Desk Snorer

We seem to have nothing to say today, which is a pity, because we're dying. 

Not literally, we're never going to die literally (we've made arrangements), but figuratively we feel like we're going to die if we don't write something on this blog. 

We don't know why it's such a big deal that we write something today, except that we didn't write anything yesterday and that hurt, it hurts us to go a day without writing something, and we're talking physically in the gonads it hurts. 

Of course yesterday we had an excuse, we were superbusy, the boss came flying down the stairs cracking his whip and shouting, "Work, by God, you'll work or feel the sting of my lash!"  But today he's nowhere to be seen and so we've got the "leisure time" to write except we can't think of a thing to write about.  Everything bores us.  And our life is so boring we can't even begin to tell you, to the extent that we just took a little desk nap.  We're an adept desk napper, we don't snore or anything, or if we do all our coworkers are to polite to tell us about it.  For all we know we're a trumpeting snorer, and such a sound sleeper that all our coworkers caper about our desk laughing, and pinning signs to our back that say "Desk snorer." 

The other night our friend David told us a story. It's 1971.  He's a hippie in the wilds of California, and just wandering in the woods when a Charles Mansonoid type personage waving a big sharp knive confronts him and says, "How many eyes do I have?"  David of course is scared out of his wits, and is wondering just what kind of answer this crazy person wants to hear.  Finally he ventures, "Two."  And with that the hippie, looking wise and somber, lowers his knife and says "And so you live."

It's a crazy world, Newt Gingrich walks around with a big sharp knife saying "How many eyes do I have?", but still we're bored and we wonder why.  Perhaps we need to get laid.  It's strange living with your ex-wife and having no idea how to get laid, it's been so long.  We're rusty.  And we can't even invitee the potential layee back to our apartment because our ex-wife is there, which is guaranteed to make things awkward especially seeing as there's only one bed.  We love Mrs. UF (ex) madly and we'd go crazy living without our dogs, so living where we're living makes sense, although not to most people.  But it seems like a perfectly reasonable arrangement to us.  Still it's damned inconvenient in the sex department, which is to say that it's hard to imagine trying to explain to any potential sex partner who strikes our fancy that we're still living with our ex-wife but it's okay, it's not what you think, we're not cheating on her because, see, the two of us have an agreement.  No woman is going to go for a situation like that, which means we're doomed to celibacy for as long as we continue to live with Mrs. UF (ex). 

Anyway, it looks like we've written something after all, thanks to the tons of coffee we've consumed which is why we're writing this way, with the long run-on sentences and all, thank God for caffeine which we drink by the bucket and still we manage to find it within us to take desk naps, which are very restorative and good for the soul, and God knows we need them now that we're doing yoga at night, which energizes us and keeps us awake, we keep hearing Rodney Yee saying "namaste" every time we close our eyes, and the book we're reading is just so many empty calories and the chocolate we eat in bed doesn't help, and we love our life despite the fact that we'll probably never get laid again, not even in our dreams, which mostly involve us drinking lots of alcohol, and smoking lots of pot, to the extent that if you find yourself in one of our dreams you're virtually guaranteed to be wasted, lucky you. 

Comments

[Martijn]

Earlier today I, bored, mad, angry and pathetic, wrote on facebook 'facebook is the loneliest place there is'. And I stand by that. Now this blog, this is the comradiest place I know. And that I mean as well. I don't know which of the two statements is more desperate but I don't care and intend to do fuck all about it because all is hopeless anyway and at least there is beauty in depair and I'm sure no one here takes offence of these my words.

There there. What an utter joy to the heart this blog is to read! Desk nap?

[Martijn]

And so say all of us! Whey-hey!

[UF MIKE]

And hee-haw! My friend, all is hopeless but at least we have the balm of desperate, choking, hysterical, laughter. Or as Sam Beckett once said, Nothing is funnier than unhappiness. So hang on. And take pride in being the butt of the world's cruel joke.

[gillian]

Facebook sucks, but if it'll make it marginally less lonely, Martijn, add me :)

Mike, you're going to have to find a libidinous woman who has her own place. Then, you can just point her to your blog so she'll know you're being honest about the situation. So, getting laid is easy! :/

[gillian]

And speaking of sex and situations and stuff, did you see I posted the link to Tunnel of Love by Michel Faber? http://thegillian.net/blog/?p=10004

[Martijn]

We DO have the balm of desperate, choking, hysterical, laughter! My neighbours often complain about it.

Oh Gillian, I will add you, gladly, proudly and desperately. (I only hope it will not add more loneliness, because, no offense to no one, but in that place the rule is: the more the lonelier.) Hey all.

[ishootblanks]

Mike, I lived with my Ex-Mother in law for about two years. It became a real burr under the saddle of the Ex-wife, and kept the neighbors talking. I had a room upstairs, and part of the game was sneaking chicks in and out.
I dont suggest this for you.
but maybe if Mrs. UF would dress up as Queequeg it might help provide a reasonable explanation. Just tell your date its the Harpooner.

[UF Mike]

ishootblanks, that is by far the most interesting suggestion I've received about my current situation. "Don't worry, it's just the Harpooner!"

Gillian, thanks for the idea. The only problem is, if she looks at any of my other posts, she'll know I'm a compulsive liar and full of shit. Still. Oh, and thanks for posting the story. I can't wait to read it!

[gillian]

Mike: I hope you enjoy the story. The end gets to me every time. Let me know what you think. Maybe you'll find a woman who loves compulsive liars and won't care what your situation is :)

Martijn: I like that for a motto: The more, the lonelier.

[karoline]

Hey martijn, yes I agree fb is the lonliest place on earth. After 2 years I signed off spontaneously and it feels like I should get clean and serene chips for each week i am off it. I have replaced it with watching the show "Breaking Bad" on netflix so I can watch episode after episode if I want. and shucks Mike theres a all day yoga workshop at our church tomorrow where you might meet some chicks. one workshop will explore how some yoga wisdom compares with the 4 noble truths. starts at 9am, catch the train, we'll go get ya.

[Jan Martin Löhndorf]

What a blessing ther's still the arts, I was at an exhibition yesterday where a little movie about wurst was shown, it was kind of a science fiction flick. I ordered a "Eßt mehr Wurst!"-t-shirt from Martin Graf, an artist acquaintance of mine. Couldn't buy it straight away, because I don't have the means anymore this month.Anyway, the arts.
Anyone want to see my last piece? Here ye go:
http://passierzettel.com/de/100_Free.html

Or, like Arno Schmidt once said; "Die Welt der Kunst & Fantasie ist die wahre, the rest is a nightmare."
(The world of arts & fantasy is the real one, der Rest ist ein Albtraum.)

And Ishootblanks, you're a genius! (Oh that Mr. Coffin again!)