Quitting smoking is not the hardest thing in the world. Being on fire and quitting smoking is. Still, giving up the butts, as anyone who has ever done it will tell you, is a bitch. Especially when you're not quite sure why you're doing it. Sure, we would like to avoid lung cancer, but something is going to kill us, and that something could well be worse. And it kills us to think we might smoke all our life and never even get lung cancer, because just think of all the nasty cigarettes we'd be missing out on! True, there's the money to think about--cigarettes around here go for about 8 bucks a pack--but we like to squander money, as an expression of disgust for what it represents.
Still, here we are, trying (again) to quit. As usual, we've come up with a foolproof plan of our own devising that is guaranteed to backfire. We're the Wile E. Coyote of nicotine cessation. What we're doing is wearing the patch, while slowly weaning ourselves down from five cigarettes a day, to four, to you get the idea. So far it's been extremely painful, psychologically speaking. We're only on Day Two, and already we have that 1,000 yard stare characteristic of combat veterans. The patch doesn't seem to help the cravings, and what's more, because we're wearing the patch, actually smoking doesn't seem to help the cravings either. Usually when you smoke a cigarette, you get that nicotine spike that gives you an hour or so respite when you feel somewhat calmer. But because our nicotine levels are already elevated, smoking doesn't do anything whatsoever. You don't feel calmer; you just feel like the kind of idiot whose idea of a good idea is smoking while on the patch.
Still, it's our dumb plan, and we're sticking to it. At least until we're on the brink of checking ourselves into the psych ward, at which point we'll say fuck it and return to smoking our usual three-quarters of a pack a day. We warned you about New Year's resolutions; the problem is we forgot to warn ourselves. This is the kind of trouble they invariably lead to; you start the New Year on the worst possible footing, and the snow and ice haven't even started falling yet.