On Quitting Smoking

Quitting smoking is not the hardest thing in the world.  Being on fire and quitting smoking is.  Still, giving up the butts, as anyone who has ever done it will tell you, is a bitch.  Especially when you're not quite sure why you're doing it.  Sure, we would like to avoid lung cancer, but something is going to kill us, and that something could well be worse.  And it kills us to think we might smoke all our life and never even get lung cancer, because just think of all the nasty cigarettes we'd be missing out on!  True, there's the money to think about--cigarettes around here go for about 8 bucks a pack--but we like to squander money, as an expression of disgust for what it represents. 

Still, here we are, trying (again) to quit.  As usual, we've come up with a foolproof plan of our own devising that is guaranteed to backfire.  We're the Wile E. Coyote of nicotine cessation.  What we're doing is wearing the patch, while slowly weaning ourselves down from five cigarettes a day, to four, to you get the idea.  So far it's been extremely painful, psychologically speaking.  We're only on Day Two, and already we have that 1,000 yard stare characteristic of combat veterans.  The patch doesn't seem to help the cravings, and what's more, because we're wearing the patch, actually smoking doesn't seem to help the cravings either.  Usually when you smoke a cigarette, you get that nicotine spike that gives you an hour or so respite when you feel somewhat calmer.  But because our nicotine levels are already elevated, smoking doesn't do anything whatsoever.  You don't feel calmer; you just feel like the kind of idiot whose idea of a good idea is smoking while on the patch. 

Still, it's our dumb plan, and we're sticking to it.  At least until we're on the brink of checking ourselves into the psych ward, at which point we'll say fuck it and return to smoking our usual three-quarters of a pack a day.  We warned you about New Year's resolutions; the problem is we forgot to warn ourselves.  This is the kind of trouble they invariably lead to; you start the New Year on the worst possible footing, and the snow and ice haven't even started falling yet. 

Comments

[Martijn]

I'd like to say something supportive, but as F.R. David sings in what is probably the most horrible song of all time: Words don't come easy. He struck a triple there because the guy also got first prize for shittiest video clip ánd lousiest artist name (although Mr. Mister came mighty close! and if the jury hadn't been gay, well...).

F.R. David's real name is Elli Robert Fitoussi. That is MILES better than F.R. David! Fitoussi... it already sounds like a dance! Come sug', do the fitoussi with me and let's cut this rug, baby!

No, I weep for rock 'n' roll. Just a waste of a perfectly good strat, that's what I say.

Okay man, I'm sorry I have nothing to say about quitting smoking. Just some gratuitous remarks as 'try to not smoke for a week' (and then another and another) and know yourself assured of the support of at least a handful of nutjobs. You can do it! Think of it thusly: 'from every cigarette 4 cents go to Dick Cheney.' Something...

[Bullethole]

I got a good buddy named Paul. He quit 15 years ago. He started Chemo for lung cancer two months ago. Thats the good news. The bad news is its not working too well.
Shit, i hadnt smoked for about 4 years now. I'll probably get the cancer next year; God knows I deserve it. but it has been nice to not smoke for 4 years. It really has. I smoked one with my roomate having coffee last week. I'm pleased to say it brought me no pleasure.
Of course I couldn't have quit like you. i had to have some kind of divine intervention or else i just got tired of them, I don't know.
Either way, good luck Mike. Its really great not smoking.
http://srevestories.blogspot.com/2011/03/within-me-and-without-me.html

[Jan Martin Löhndorf]

I did not exactly QUIT smoking, I just stopped. It just happened after I had fallen in love, just like that. This is not helpful. Sorry. Best wishes!

[Jan Martin Löhndorf]

And all the best for poor Paul, Bullettholes!

[Bullethole]

Jan Martin, did you really just stop?
Same thing happened to me. And no, its prolly not helpful.

[Jan Martin Löhndorf]

Yes, I did, Bh. Two days after I had met her, I went along the street, was about to roll me a smoke, just habitually, then thought that actually I didn't want to smoke, and gave my tobacco, papers & lighter to a beggar sitting there with a cigarette in his hand. He could use it more than I did.
I still smoke a cigarillo every now & then, like 1 or 2 per week, just for pleasure, that's all.

[Martijn]

Erm, guys, perhaps all this talk about smoking isn't what our patient needs right now. Or is he?

Smoking! Gimme an S! Gimme an M! Gimme an O! et cetera.

Smoking, it's like inhaling Fire!

We put the King in Smoking!

SM OK ing!

Jeez, how come they fired a guy like me from writing ads? It's a shame.

[gillian]

I dated someone who used to give up drinking and smoking for Lent. My thought was, if you can give it up for 40 days, why not just give it up altogether? It's a nasty habit. Although, kissing him when he'd been smoking and drinking beer was kind of hot. I guess it was that whole bad boy thing. Otherwise, it was just yucky. The smell permeating everything, the risk of lung cancer, blah blah. Just yuck. So I'm happy you're trying to quit, Mike. The same guy, when he was single, also used to give up masturbation for Lent, and when we were seeing each other, he told me he'd considered giving up sex for Lent, too, but that after about 2 seconds of considering that, he realized that I wouldn't sit still for that. And he was right. I would have had a fucking fit.

[AnitaNH]

Go for it, Mike, even if you have to fall in love with the next woman who crosses your path for motivation!

[download keylogger Mac]

This is my first time i visit here. I found interesting things to many in your blog, mostly to the debate.

[karoline]

there are alot of interesting things in this blog to consider! From out of this world enlightened consciousness to corny preschool toilet humor, from the sacred to the profane to the delightful mundane. I especially like the irreverant, turn you on your head stuff. "but we like to squander money, as an expression of disgust for what it represents" and rock and roll , lots and lots of rock and roll.

[UF MIKE]

Thank you Karoline. You're the sweetest sister-in-law in the world.

[Martijn]

She is! And Download Keylogger Mac is the sweetest stalker-spammer in the world.

[UF MIKE]

I like Mac. He is here and I'm glad.