Everybody it seems has done it on an elevator, but we made love once on an escalator at the FAO Schwartz toy store in NYC. Talk about your slow rides.
It was wrong, we know. Kids shouldn't have to witness that sort of thing. Us with our pants around our ankles, shouting, "THIS is the toy we want for Christmas!"
Then again, Love makes you do crazy things. Was it love? Our penis certainly thought so. But then again, our penis is a very confused animal. You would be too if you spent most of your time in utter darkness, emerging only to find yourself staring at blank white porcelain. Our penis is uneducated and inarticulate, but still manages to hold down two jobs. So it's not doing too badly for itself. And when push comes to shove, we still think it could beat Rick Perry in a Presidential debate.
Speaking of sex, we're going to come right out and admit it--we've never done it in a car. It seems downright Un-American of us. Having sex in an automobile is a sacred rite of passage in the USA, which is perhaps the reason we've never felt really grown up. We're unfinished, like a cartoon character who wears no pants. Why don't they wear pants? Because they've never had sex in a car, that's why.
We did have sex in an elevator once, but we found it nerve-wracking. We've never had sex on an airplane. We don't have time to join the Mile-High Club, we have responsibilities. We're too busy staring at the wing, to make sure it doesn't fall off. We're the plane's designated wing-watcher, whether the crew knows it or not. We can only hope there's somebody like us watching the other wing. We can't watch both wings at once, we're only human. And a particularly lowdown breed of human at that, if you listen to the former manager of FAO Schwartz.
I've never had intercourse in a car either. Fooled around, certainly, but actually doing it? Nope. Nor an escalator, elevator, or plane. I guess I haven't really lived.
Posted by: gillian | January 18, 2012 at 04:44 PM
jajaja, no entendí todo, ni cómo, ni porqué... pero reí.
Posted by: María | January 18, 2012 at 10:06 PM
The escalator I made up, Gillian, so don't feel so bad. I haven't lived either. And how did you avoid car sex, living in LA? It's my understanding you people live in your cars!
Maria, unfortunately I can't understand a word you're saying. Or maybe it's a good thing I can't understand a word you're saying. Maybe I'll try feeding your comment into one of those instant translators: aha! So you didn't understand everything, but you laughed? That's all I ask from my readers, that they laugh. Thanks for writing, Maria!
Posted by: UF MIKE | January 19, 2012 at 10:46 AM
This is hilarious, as per usual. I sent it to a firnsd of mine that works on elevators. Its the part about the penis holding down two jobs, that we both agree, is genius.
Hey Mike!
Posted by: ishootblanks | January 19, 2012 at 05:28 PM
I really have no idea how I avoided it. Being 5'10", it's not ideal.
Posted by: gillian | January 20, 2012 at 05:51 PM