We really wish people would stop repopulating the Earth. It's chockful of people already, certainly too many to send birthday cards to, and so far as we can tell the only reason many of them exist is to run us (the perpetual pedestrian) over with their cars.
Everywhere we go we see couples pushing strollers, and they all have that smug look like they've done something special. They have. They've virtually guaranteed, since there isn't enough food to go around, that somebody else's baby will go hungry.
The only way to stop the endless cycle of birth, suffering, and death is to cut out the first part. But people don't care. They blindly go on procreating, ruining a perfectly good sex act and virtually guaranteeing that we'll never have a quiet meal in a restaurant. Somebody's kid is always causing a scene.
Our own personal feeling is that there shouldn't be more than six babies on the face of the Earth at any one time. We were going to say five, but we're feeling profligate.
Man is a failed experiment, as history shows. We've brought nothing but misery to ourselves and to all the species around us. All our much touted achievements are as nothing compared to our track record of war, genocide, rape, environmental depredation, and reality shows. Every time we think of having a kid we remind ourselves that she'll most likely end up being murdered or, even worse, as a contestant on The Bachelorette.
We realize that babies will always be born, because blind instinct always trumps rational thought. We're here to procreate, and by God we'll do it no matter who gets hurt. We look at babies and we try to imagine their futures and all that comes to mind is that, if they live long enough, they can look forward to working until they're 80 before they'll be able to retire. Then they'll go senile and their own children will abandon them. Because that's human instinct too. We were young once, and lacked the good sense to die in an automobile accident. Now we have to go to work every day, and wonder what the point is. Well, the point is there is no point. We're the species whose highest achievement is to realize the point is there is no point. We're here to watch cooking shows, if we're lucky enough to live in the First World, or to die at 3 of malnutrition, if we're even luckier and live in the Third World.
There's nothing left to add to this.
Except, Mike, you are a fuckin' genius.
Posted by: Jan Martin Löhndorf | January 10, 2012 at 10:47 AM
Thanks Jan Martin, I wish. I'm just a garden variety misanthrope. Who likes kids, by the way. Except that every time I'm around one, I wonder whether he'll grow up to lead a pogrom.
Posted by: UF MIKE | January 10, 2012 at 10:54 AM
Funny you should mention kids. Today I bought a (sorry, vynil) record of Hony Tonk Piano by one "Big" Tiny Little. I loved the cover of it, and was lured into spending the one euro fifty. Boy does this music suck! But the cover alone is out of this universe!
But, coming slightly to the point: any relation? His dad, according to Wikipedia was Tiny Little Sr. But no, just looking at the radiant smile of the guy makes me realise he is of a completely other line of Littles. But his dresssense is impecable!
Oh, ánd I bought an hilarious single of De Zingende Zusjes (the singing sisters) Marry en Thea Verheij called Jesus Faalt Nooit (Jesus Never Fails). Small world.
Posted by: Martijn | January 10, 2012 at 11:19 AM
I meant 'Honky Tonk Piano' with a K.
Posted by: Martijn | January 10, 2012 at 11:21 AM
Big Tiny Little sounds like a relative. Although maybe not, since there aren't that many big people in my family. It does remind me of my Black Albino Whitey persona, which I intended to assume if I ever decided to pursue a path in the blues. Fortunately I never did, as the extent of my songwriting began and ended with a song called "Big Three-Legged Woman."
Posted by: UF MIKE | January 10, 2012 at 11:41 AM
I fibbed. I also bought a new Dubliners record (with splendid 'Greenland Whale Fisheries' on it) and a Django Reinhardt double CD, thinking I hated him. But I don't. I love him. Go on yogaing, my distant close friend... and quit smoking if you want to.
Posted by: Martijn | January 10, 2012 at 05:24 PM
"Greenland Whale Fisheries"... I must confess to preferring the Lady Gaga version...
Posted by: UF MIKE | January 11, 2012 at 08:09 AM
I can't find it, but I'm sure she can do wonders with a song like that.
Posted by: Martijn | January 11, 2012 at 09:51 AM
Jan Martin, yes, he is.
Posted by: gillian | January 11, 2012 at 06:44 PM
Thanks Gillian. You're the sweetheart of my rodeo, you know.
Posted by: UF MIKE | January 12, 2012 at 01:57 PM