UNREMITTING FAILURE

A General Declaration of Universal Misery

Our absolute abhorrence of existence should not be misconstrued as a condemnation of all of existence, but only of those conditions that make living in what could be a pretty swell place instead an imprisonment in a chamber of horrors.  Which is to say that life has its good points, which are unfortunately and inevitably drowned out by the quotidion horrors of being.  These (the horrors of being) include work, illness, Republicans, bad coffee, cops, the Kardashians, the depravities of man, the depredations of nature, and the ineradicable tendency of certain individuals (many of them politicians) to make life miserable for those around them.  Unfortunately, life is so constructed that each and every one of these loathsome ills is a necessary evil, forever forestalling the possibility of a heaven on earth.  And the most implacable of these ills, our brain, is the most intractable, for even if all the other ills were to suddenly disappear we would still have to deal with its moods, which can make even the best day seem a hopeless disaster.  Life is a clusterfuck, in other words, and even if it wasn't, our brain is.  We demand a lobotomy! 

Titty Bar

Somehow this seems a misnomer, unless the bar in question only features one breast. 

The End of the Relationship

Last night our friend David said, "I once dated a guy whose dick was this big."  He held out his pinkie finger.  "When I told him I wanted to break up he said 'It's my penis, isn't it?'  To which I responded with total affected outrage, 'No, of course not.  Don't be ridiculous.'"

Dream

We dreamed last night that we were in a top-secret government organization with Matt Damon.  We were best buddies.  The bad part, or the good part really, was that he had a raging dilaudid addiction. And he was more than happy to share his pills with us.  We both spent the dream totally wasted, pursuing who knows what.  It didn't matter.  We were both shitfaced.  Come to think of it, everybody in the organization was blatantly abusing pills.  People were slobbering and drooling and falling asleep at meetings.  It was one of our greatest dreams ever, and if this organization really exists, we want to put in an application.

If you want a guarantee that God will hear your prayers

Pray for misery. 

No Doubt About It

The Lord is an impolite person.  He doesn't listen when people talk to him.  They beg and plead for things, like for instance that diabetes doesn't take Uncle Clarence's foot, and what is he doing?  He's off with his model train set, running one engine into another. 

Twenty Lines

We were listening to the "Good Old Gospel Hour" coming out of KHUN in Huntsville.  When a fellow, an advertiser, come on selling an elixir guaranteed (or your money back) to make you feel like you were 25 again.  I said, "I didn't feel so great at 25, seeing as how I was locked up at the Tennessee State Prison down in Nashville."  Jesus saved my life, and he can save yours.  All you have to do is turn your life over to him, which to me means no more burglarizing the houses of neighbors and strangers.  I'm a church-going fellow now.  Nobody there judges me for who I used to be, just who I am now. 

I was in there amongst murderers and rapists, and I didn't think I'd get out alive.  I was too goddamn good looking.  You're prey in the lockup, and you've got to be ready to fight for your life.  There were fights a plenty, when all I was looking to do was keep my nose clean.

It was there I discovered heroin.  You use heroin, and all your problems go away.  Every single one just fades into the distance.  I come out with a habit, got hooked up with a methadone clinic, and found the Lord.  But I had to kill a man to do it.  It's good nobody found out, because I'd be back in the State Pen, instead of a member in good standing in my congregation. 

I take my methadone, and I go to church.  I'm not a risk to anything or anybody, and I don't fear the knock of the police on the door.  I buried that boy where nobody will ever find him. 

Today's Inspirational Song

Is "Dope Feels Good" by the Warlocks.  That's the problem with music today, there aren't enough uplifting songs for young people. 

Psychic TV

We've been a great fan of this band since, oh, a half hour ago.  And as a long-time Psychic TV fan, we would like to direct your attention to "Are You Experienced", "Unclean", "Godstar", "Baby's Gone Away" and "Roman P".  They're a special band, and we pity people who are just discovering them now.

Twenty Lines

We belong to our fungus.  There's a funny double yellow line that separates us from our conscience, big trucks roar along it all day long.  There is a day, it will probably be the day after tomorrow, when everything will become clear and then become unclear again.  Be ready with pen and paper.  Oxen do the work of men, in offices with green eyeshades and a pneumatic tube system filled with messages that say "I wanted that Moo yesterday!"  There are vampires in the windpipes of certain grey-green cats, beware. 

Gamblers have systems and so do television producers, we thought as we watched "America's Biggest Boobs."  To get a Rocky Mountain high at sea level  you have to take three tylenol with codeine and then jump up and down until you're dizzy.  He spent his days producing macrame cum stains, they were real works of art.  Ginseng tea tastes like somebody gargled farts and spit them into your cup. 

In that other dimension, the cube is an arrow.  I was walking down the street, and somebody said, "Did you hear about the peanut?  He was a salted."  The kid is a good kid, you couldn't ask for a better kid, he's forty-three years old.  It does you no good to throw your yogurt out the window, it hollers all night long.  Long odds, unlike long pants, do not have pockets for keeping your steam iron in.

Scissors beat a rock made out of paper.   General Custer would have won had he won.  You can weigh the height of a thing, if you have it's shoe size.  There's a man in Apartment 12A, his heart is a foot.