Great American Legends

American folk legend informs us that Paul Bunyan was a giant lumberjack who wandered the great woods with a giant ax and had to shop at Big and Tall Men Stores and had a giant blue ox named Babe for a constant companion.  As a kid we could buy all of it except that the ox was blue.  They don't make oxen in blue, so unless Paul was in the habit of dyeing Babe, we called bullshit on the whole blue Babe scenario. 

And in the meantime he was chopping down entire forests and you never hear of him being followed by lumber trucks so what happened to all that timber?  It just laid there, while the wildlife that used to live in the forest cursed his name.

And don't even get us started on Johnny Appleseed, who wandered the country strewing apple seeds and not at the bequest of the government either, the guy didn't even get a paycheck.  He just threw appleseeds wherever he went so that now there are apple trees everywhere, producing little green inedible apples or great big rotten apples that attract bees and how did he feed himself, the seed-tossing idiot?  He certainly didn't eat apples.  Or buy new shoes? 

These stories are great when you're a kid and are prepared to accept any lie you're fed, because you're a little moron.  Then you grow up to be a big suspicious moron like us and your bullshit detector goes off and you say, "Now wait a minute.  How big exactly was one of Paul Bunyan's bowel movements?"  And, "Did Babe the Blue Ox shit blue?"   

Comments

[Martijn]

You, Sir, are the maracas of writing! You make everything happy. I on the other hand are more of a cello: no matter how joyfully you pluck at the fucker, it always sounds gloomy(ly). Thanks!

[Jeffers]

Johnny Appleseed was a real dude who worked his way ahead of America's westward expansion. He really did plop down all those appleseeds, buy why, you ask? Apples from seed have little taste relation to the apples they came from. Apples that we eat are basically clones; you find a good tree that makes good apples & then you graft a portion of it to another tree, & it makes those apples.

That's eating-apples. Johnny did not give a shit about eating-apples. His were cider apples, hard cider, drinking-apples. He was basically a booze-runner. Did you ever see that picture of him in the little tin hat? Apparently he was a little nuts, too. So I say, t'hell with Paul Bunyan & his asshole blue ox, give me Johnny Appleseed, & while you're at it, make it a double.

So there.

[Bullets]

Down here we got Pecos Bill who ate dynamite for breakfast, rode a horse named Widow maker and married a gal named Slew-Foot Sue. He dug the Rio grande, painted the Painted Desert and roped tornados with rattlesnakes!

[UF MIKE]

Jeffers, I did not know them was drinking apples. I take it all back. Bullets, Texas always supplies the best mythic figures. Unfortunately, most of them died at the Alamo.

[Jeffers]

Yep, i learnt me that from some book about how the hand of humans has changed 4 plants. It was apples, tulips, potatos, & reefer, The Botany of Desire. It was a damned good book.

I'm reading super genius hippy philospher/ecologist David Abram's new book now, Becoming Animal, it's great! The guy is crazy smart, but you have to buy into the concept. It's kind of like a freaky spaced out free jazz jam, if you're not into it it'll come off as noodlin', but if you buy in, it's just about the only thing that really matters.

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