It's Time for Some Plain Truths

We don't have over 150,000 regular readers because we gild the lily and adhere to the party line.  We have over 150,000 readers because we always stick to the truth. 

Take performance-enhancing blogging drugs.  We use them and we don't care who knows it.  EPO, blood-doping, creatine, steroids, the occasional shot of amphetamine--if it will improve our blogging performance and give us the slightest edge over our competition, we'll do it.  Blogging isn't a game.  It's a blood sport. 

Now a congressional committee wants us to answer for our activities.  They will get nothing but the truth from us.  We dope because if we didn't, our 150,000 readers would migrate to bloggers who do dope.  It's that kind of world.

When we started this blog we said to ourselves, "Unremitting Failure is going to be a daily must-read for the people who make the decisions that affect the world around us."  We vowed to speak truth to power, with hard-hitting posts on such issues as our dislike of optimists, our belief in the omnipotence of futility, and our irrational fear of squirrels.  Only we had the guts to start an advice column called "Ask Baby Hitler".  People, many of them important power brokers, responded by tuning in in droves. 

We pour our heart and soul into this blog, and over 150,000 readers have responded by making us a regular part of their day.  Many of their names you would recognize.  We lost Osama bin Laden recently, but shed no tears for us, because Mohammad Omar has taken his place.  People want the real skinny on existence, and we give it to them unvarnished.  If a few performance-enhancing drugs, and the occasional shot of Wild Turkey, will help us deliver, then by God that's what we'll do.

Thanks for listening. 

Comments

[Jeffers]

You're welcome. "Gild the lily?" Sounds like some sort of british mastabutory metaphor. Or something.

[UF MIKE]

It does, doesn't it. And it beats "have a wank."

[rick piel]

I always knew you were probably a lily gilder.