Come on over here and we'll tell you a secret. Come a little closer. That's good. Now listen: The Doobie Brothers want to have sex with you. That's right. All of them. In your holes. They told us. They said, "We, the Doobie Brothers, want to have sex with that person. That one there, the one we're communally pointing at with our extended Doobie fingers. And we want you to arrange it for us." That's what they told us. So here we are. Procuring sexual favors for the Doobie Brothers.
Now let's get one thing straight. You don't have to have sex with the Doobie Brothers. It's not mandatory. The Doobie Brothers aren't a bunch of rape-os. But we think, and we think you'll agree, at least if you approach it with a loving heart and an open mind, that you owe it to them. You owe it to the Doobie Brothers to have sex with them, all of them, at the same time, on a bed in a hotel room probably, although we're a bit hazy on the details. Maybe they want to do it in a hot tub somewhere, or at a truck stop, people often went to have sex at truck stops, or one of the bungalows perhaps at the Chateau Marmont in happening Hollywood, they're always very popular. But getting back to what we were saying, we think you owe it to them to let them marinade you in Doobie spunk. Because of all the great music they've given you, personally. They gave you "Listen to the Music." They gave you "China Grove." They gave you "Black Water." And don't even get us started on the magnificent contributions of the great Michael McDonald, who also wants to anoint you with Doob spooge, and who gave you (personally! selflessly! just to spice up the soundtrack of your life!) such timeless tunes as "It Keeps You Running" and "Takin' It to the Streets." Funny how they both have the word "It" in the title. Because you're it, and this is your big chance. To return, through carnal exertions with all of the Doobie siblingss simultaneously in a big glomphing pile of Doobieage, the favor. To give back a little for all you've been given. It's easy. Just take off your pants. Their limo is outside your door, waiting. They're all in it. Maybe they'll want to do it in the limo, we didn't think of that, it's a stretchy one. Ask them to put on "Black Water" as mood music. It's the best mood music in the world, bar none, at least at those magical moments when you've got Doobies, lots of Doobies, in your orifices.