This time of year is always sad because the number of Christmas tree corpses kicked to the curb increases with each passing day until one half expects a wagon to come clumping by with a deformed twitch at the reins crying, "Bring out your dead!"
This year, in case you didn't notice, was the year of the megatree. We're talking firs of a size we've never seen before, firs that could only have been cut down by lumberjacks wielding one of those two-man saws. We don't know how to account for this, although it's Mrs. UF's belief that the tanking economy has the fatalists out there spending money hand over fist, intent on going out in a blaze of multicolored blinking lights.
The other night we were walking the dogs with Mrs. UF when we came to a tree the felling of which probably required the services of Paul Bunyan. So plump and pillowy looking was this handsome specimen of Yulefirhood that we cried to Mrs. UF "Watch this!" She didn't even have time to shriek as we took a running start and hurled ourselves atop the tree, expecting it to comfortably cushion our landing. Right. Take it from us, X-Mas trees are 80 percent air and 20 percent really prickly shit.
As for our tree, we shoved it into an extra-large GLAD body bag and hurled it over the side of the balcony. We know, we know--that's no way to treat the dead. And when all the ex-X-Mas trees out there suddenly rise again as zombies to feed upon the living, we'll probably be their first entree.
buddhist tree protests tree abuse here
"Watch this!"
I swear, Mike, between the tears of laughter I saw the whole thing. You are good for the part of me that laughing is for.
Posted by: Todd Green | January 16, 2009 at 12:14 PM
Sad but true. Most of my broken limbs (one resulting from jump from hayloft while drunk, another while rockclimbing without rope) have followed the cry "Watch this!" And thanks Todd!
Posted by: Unremitting Failure | January 16, 2009 at 12:31 PM