How You Should Think of Dadacker

If you insist upon pondering the strange case of Donald Dadacker III, which frankly we can't see why you would want to, we would encourage you to think of him as the man who spent his entire life haunted by his part, as a child, in a freak electric carving knife accident that took seven lives at his Aunt Shirley's house in Gettysburg in the year 1973.  Or, conversely, we would humbly request that you think of him as the teen 4-H member who, like so many of his fellow Head, Heart, Hands and Healthers, went off the rails after succumbing to the lure of pig tranquilizers.  Or as the promising young attorney at a high-powered law firm whose only mistake was to fall madly in love with a woman who just happened to be his mother's best friend, who in turned just happened to be her daughter and Donald's sister, Debbie.  Or as the man who married and started a family only to disappear one day, reemerging 32 years later to confess that he'd spent the entire period in the family's disused basement bathroom.  Or as the man who turned Wolf Blitzer on to pig licking, another 4-H vice, although we'd prefer you didn't because frankly it's disgusting. 

Finally, we would ask you to note that Dadadacker's disturbing disappearance, if said aloud, will cause you to lisp and sputter like Donald Duck.