Ask Baby Hitler is an irregular and abnormal feature of Unremitting Failure. The opinions expressed are those of the infant Adolf Hitler, and are neither shared nor condoned by Unremitting Failure or its sponsor, Mein Comforter. Mein Comforter: They Provide 58% More Lebensraum!
Dear Baby Hitler: Should I be worried about this giant atom smasher they're going to turn on come August? Some experts believe it could spawn a black hole that will swallow the earth. Gibby from Texas
Dear Gibby: Lies! All lies! The Large Hadron Collider in Meyrin Switzerland is the greatest scientific experiment in history, not some kind of long-gestating Nazi reprisal weapon designed to suck a world that rejected the peaceful advances of yours truly into the dark and infinite Nein. The latter idea would be absurd. That said, I urge you to pack your toothbrush mustache.
Dear Baby Hitler: Is there one specific song you put on when you want to establish a romantic mood? Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: Yes. Little River Band's Reminiscing. It's the perfect romance-generation machine. When feathered-hair genius Glenn Shorrock sings "I want to build my world around you," the panties come off, let me assure you. I also like Player's Baby Come Back. It may be the most shameless Hall & Oates ripoff of all time, but I guarantee you that when Peter Beckett goes falsetto on the line "Is there nothing left for me?" your special lady will hurl herself upon you like a famished Hermann Goering upon a lambchop.
Dear Baby Hitler: Are you a nature lover? Sunshine, Topeka
Dear Sunshine: It depends what you mean by nature. If by nature you mean trees and stuff, the answer is no. But that's not to say I don't enjoy the charms of a scenic landscape. I love the earth. I especially love it scorched.