UNREMITTING FAILURE

Fuck Frog, Say Experts

Savannah, GA: Biologists and ethnomusicologists here have joined forces, issuing a statement condemning the old english folk standard "Frog Went a-Courtin'" as "annoying and scientifically absurd."  "Frogs don't court," says biologist Roy Wood.  "And if a frog was to court, he certainly wouldn't court a mouse."  Adds Maureen Fallopian, a fellow biologist, "And if for some reason a frog was to court a mouse, he certainly wouldn't ride a great black snail."  Musical scholars have their own axe to grind.  Notes folk music expert Roland Forthwit, "I don't know the scientific end of things.  But I do know that, from the perspective of a scholar in the area of  ethnomusicology, anyone who can listen to more than two stanzas of this song is a great speckled twitwit." 

Both biologists and ethnologists are calling for the song to be either altered to adhere to the laws of biological possibility or somehow rendered less annoying. 

Prince Harry To Leave Danger Zone

Ever since our chance sighting of Prince Charles and what's her name a couple of years back at the National Building Museum here in Washington, DC, we have felt "close to" and even "part of" Britain's royal family, although only in a creepy way that the British authorities may want to look into.  But our squirm-inducing sense of "belonging" has its positive side, insofar as we have come to feel a personal sense of solicitude for the well-being and safety of the each and every one of the British royals, who should feel free to call us at any hour of day or night or, if they'd prefer, to invite us to stay with them permanently at Buckingham Palace.  Anyway, all of this is our way of leading up to Prince Harry, whom the Brits have wisely called away from the front lines in Afghanistan, where he has been wielding the sticky wicket in Western Civ's unyielding struggle against the nefarious Taliban. 

Personally, we're glad Prince Harry is out of shooting range.  But we admire his pluck.  Good pluck, Prince Harry, Good pluck!  Obviously Harry is one of "Loggins' Heroes," which is what we call those swaggering devil-may-care figures whose entire life philosophy is based on the lyrics to "Danger Zone," the Kenny Loggins song from the great motion picture Top Gun.  To wit:

Out along the edges
Always where I burn to be
The further on the edge
The hotter the intensity

Anyway, we just wanted to say again how emotionally tied-up we are with you Royals, and to remind  you that you have both our phone number and our personal address.  We've sent them to you 200 times. 

Death in Venice

Police in Venice, Italy are reporting a sharp upsurge in fatal boating accidents caused by Domino's delivery gondolas.  "It's that damned Domino's trenta minuto guarantee," says Carabinierie Brigadier General Luigi Pieroneimporta.  "It's wreaking havoc."  Said a non-Domino's gondola pilot, "We need this like a turd needs a mustache."

We've Said a Lot of Bad Things About Hillary Clinton

But really, you have to admire a politician willing to be photographed with Satan.

Almost as Much Fan as a Good Tornado-Potato Race

According to a Hawaii homeowner forced to flee Kilauea, one of the world's busiest volcanoes, "it's very easy to outrun lava."  If there's one thing we hate, it's an unfair competition.  So to be sporting, we're handing out sacks.

 

"It burns!"

Misfortune Cookie, Part II

We had a friend who thought the best thing to do with a fortune cookie was just eat the thing, fortune and all.  Then we heard he choked to death.  According to the pathologist, our friend's fortune read "Warning: Choking Hazard." 

Our Damn Shower

We have, like, the worst water pressure in the world.  Our shower peaks at "spritz", and that's only when nobody else in the tri-state area has their water on.  We don't know who set the whole thing up, but let a guy in Flagstaff flush his toilet and we get scalded half to death.   

Now the water pressure in Germany, that's another matter.  We love taking showers at our wife's mom's house in Germany.  We suspect this is because the Germans know a thing or two about applying pressure, and they keep their water scared.  American water isn't scared.  It moseys along at a leisurely trickle because it knows it can get away with it.  The Germans keep their water on its toes.  German water doesn't run, it flees.  If you were to switch the shower head setting in a German shower from the spray setting to that single concentrated laser beam of water setting we're pretty sure you would end up with a perfect hole in your body, with entry and exit wounds.  All you would hear is a brief drilling noise. 

We only bring this up because today is February 29th, Leap Day, and hence the date of our quadrennial shower.  If you ask us, this whole Leap Day thing is like something out of the Twilight Zone.  It's like there's this one date that only has to show up one year out of every four, kind of like President Bush.  Where he goes the other three years, nobody knows.  All the other days are standing around saying, "Where's February 29th?"  "I don't know.  Last I heard, he was in Majorca."

Bad News, Good News

The bad news is that 1 of every 100 Americans is behind bars.  The good news is that the remaining 99 of us got away with it.

Archeologists Discover House Where Jesus Grew Up

Archeologists working in Bethlehem say they have discovered the childhood home of Jesus Christ.  The archeologists identified the three-bedroom, two-bath ranch with sunroom and eat-in kitchen based on a description Jesus himself provided to Paul, to wit, "Ours was the only house in town with a statue of Mom in the front  yard."

Unremitting Failure Decides to Move to Division IV

For years, we have labored anonymously in the bottom ranks of Division III comedy, a lackluster outfit with a drunk coach and an impressive record for mediocrity.  After long consideration, we have decided to move to Division IV, where we feel we'll have a slightly better chance of defeating our competitors, most of whom will be 3rd graders devising knock-knock jokes.  What has kept us from dropping a division during those times when we could hear our 2nd grade teacher's fatal words in our head (i.e., "Unremitting Failure wants to be the class clown") has been that this would entail our moving to Bung, Mississippi, the only town in America looking for a Division IV comedy franchise.  Don't get us wrong, Bung is not a bad town.  Bung is a good town.  We hear wonderful things about the lard.  And their high school has a first-rate prayer team.  Went undefeated last year.  Although they won their last one, against Marleysville, with a Hail Mary.