In a speech today, President for Too Long George W. Bush said, "Okay, so I was wrong. Iran hasn't been pursuing nuclear weapons. But Iran is still mucho dangeroso, people. Iran has got guns. Iran has got knives. And Iran has got literally millions of forks. Dinner forks, salad forks, you name it. Those big forks you use on Thanksgiving to stab yourself a big piece of turkey? Iran has a whole shitload of them. Lobster forks, ditto. Iran has pasta forks and sardine forks and barbecue forks and even a stockpile of stainless steel Taylor Weekend Warrior Digital Fork Thermometers. For all we know, Iran may have a supersecret superbig fork program with scientists working around the clock to create a fork long enough to stab Rhode Island to death. In short, my fellow Americans, Iran is full of forks and the leadership of Iran would like nothing more than to turn those forks on us.
Is this message alarmist? That's what our Democratic friends would have you believe. I say it's only alarmist until you find yourself with a salad fork in your eye and a freedom-hating Iranian sitting on your sofa with your remote control in one hand and your wife's happy bits in the other. That's when we'll see how alarmist it is."