UNREMITTING FAILURE

Today in Rock History

Dick Clark was born on this day in 1319.

"Mom, guess what? I'm immortal!"

Humanism vs. The Facts on the Ground

What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how
infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and
admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like
a god! the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals

Shakespeare

"Kill her, kill her by firing squad."

Sudan Protesters

 

Death Metal Just Wants to Be Liked

Siglio and Skull and I were down by the riverbank.  There was nothing happening except Skull kept picking up rocks and saying "I have chosen you rock--for Doom!" and then throwing the rock in the river and then imitating the rock's hopeless attempts to keep from drowning in the river.  Siglio was nervous because his mom's boyfriend's brother was supposed to be coming for a visit and the last time he came Siglio woke up in the middle of the night to find the guy standing in his room with no clothes on and it totally creeped Siglio out.  I told Siglio that beer was the cure for everything, but that if beer didn't work he could always borrow my bayonet to stab his mom's boyfriend's brother to death with if he came into his room naked again.  I wasn't serious.  It began to rain but you could hardly feel the rain through the canopy of branches overhead and we smoked a joint and talked about how cool it would be if we could burn churches and get away with it. 

There are your real black metal types who burn churches and then there's us, the black metal types who hang around the riverbank in the rain like a couple of total lunkheads.  Skull said, "We should start a Church of Thor! That would be righteous!"  He shook his arm in the air and admired his leather wristband with the metal spikes.  The first week he got it he nearly took out his own eye numerous times.   

If we had beer, I thought, the world would look a lot more like Robert Plant's lyrics.  You can laugh at "Immigrant Song" if you want but drink enough beer and you can listen to it and literally feel the weight of the viking helmet on your head. 

Siglio said, "I don't think he meant to touch me or anything.  I think he just got like really utterly shitfaced and got lost."

Skull said, "Lost?  You live in a doublewide, dude."

I said, "If you had a Claymore you could set it up at the perimeter of your bed and destroy any naked sort-of relatives who attempt to play grabass in the night."

Siglio is this skinny shit who was like the first person in our school to put cigarettes out on himself.  That's like being the first kid to get laid for losers.  The problem with Siglio is not that he's dumb because he's actually pretty smart, at least by death metal standards.  He's read actual books.  His room is full of books.  No, Siglio's problem is that he looks like the sensitive boy in a boy band wearing corpsepaint.  You don't look at him and run.  You look at him and think, "When did Lance Bass join Gorgoroth?" 

It often occurred to me that someday we would leave here.  Go our separate ways and leave this riverbank behind forever.  Somebody will spraypaint their graffiti over our graffiti on the underside of the highway bridge and it'll be like we were never here at all.  Like we never existed and talked through the night here about burning churches while trashed on beer in violation of all kinds of ordinances outlawing underage drinking. 

Talk about your bitter truths.  We've never even gotten around to wrecking a cemetery.  I did steal a book from the public library once.  It was about Satanic rituals and it made me nervous and about two weeks after I stole it I took it back. 

The Horror

Now this is an offer!  FREE EMAIL from Ann Coulter!  Wonder if there's somebody out there handing out free rickets?  If not, this is the Deal of the Century!

We're not saying Ann is stupid, but she thinks Analingus is the official airline of the Republic of Ireland

"Those Who Love Zeppelin Will Soon Betray Floyd"

We don't have many adages that we live by, but that there is one of them.  That and "It's one thing to love shrimp.  It's another thing to buy them lingerie." 

Let's Make a President Out of Pure Moldable Opportunism!

The 2008 presidential campaign is just warming up, and already we're scared silly.  Let's see.  On the Republican side we've got Rudy Giuliani, who scoffs at the idea of waterboarding as torture and has said in public that he'd like to personally execute Osama bin Laden, but on the positive side offers heartwarming proof that even Attila the Hun can have gay friends.  What with his "crazy as a crackhouse rat" shtick America's bound to elect him, that is if it doesn't go for Hillary Clinton, who has principles but never lets them get in her way.  On the positive side Hillary stands for nothing, which means we're unlikely to suffer 4 more years of George-Bush-style messianic adventurism.  On the negative side Hillary stands for nothing, which means she would pelt Iran with nukes and Boy Scouts if she thought it might win her a couple of votes.  Of course there's also Mitt Romney, whose lack of scruples is positively Hillaryesque, but whose positions on most issues we find repugnant, wrongheaded, and oddly disconcerting--the same terms, strangely enough, we would use to describe his ritual underwear.   As for Barack Obama, we might vote for him, but we won't because we don't want him to win and then have to listen to the inevitable talk about how it was Oprah who got him elected.  We kind of like this libertarian republican Ron Paul, who is against both the War on Drugs and the War on Terror.  But he's sure to attract other nutballs just like us, and the last thing we want is to be caught congregating with our own kind.  Besides, he's anti-abortion and if there's one thing we simply cannot abide it's a pro-lifer.  Anybody's who pro-life obviously has a screw loose somewhere.  We're anti-life, and proud of it.  It's true that abortion isn't making much of a dent in the life problem, but hey--it's a start. 

A Correspondence With Sigmund Freud

Dear Unremitting Failure

I have found little that is "good" about human beings on the whole. In my experience most of them are trash, no matter whether they publicly subscribe to this or that ethical doctrine or to none at all. That is something that you cannot say aloud, or perhaps even think.*  Yours, Sigmund Freud                                                                                                                                                         

Dear Sigmund:

We couldn't agree more.  That said, we tend to like most people.  It's humanity we hate, not its representatives.  Not the ones we know, anyway.  Hey, have you ever noticed how sometimes you'll be talking to a woman and you'll want to say, "You have a great future ahead of you" but it comes out, "I want to go to bed with you"?  Wonder what that's about.  Anyway, we like that thing you said about America being a "giant mistake" and we like your quote above but we would caution you that if we're one of the people you're calling "trash" we're going to come out of our doublewide and pop you in the mouth with something jagged and metallic.  Got that, Vienna Shrinkboy?  Your friend, UF

*We didn't make this up. The Freudman actually said it.

On Acceptance

Things perhaps are not as we would like them to be.  The wise course would be to accept the terms of existence as they are.  Instead, starting at 12 o'clock today, we are going on strike.

Airing our grievances

Like Fantasy Island, Only Hervé Villechaize

Can gnaw through trashcans. 

He Got a Phone Call

From DEATH!