1. The Police--We can honestly say we've never liked a single one of their songs. On the other hand, we have hated many of them. And unlike most songs, theirs don't get more listenable as the passage of time turns despicable shit to amusing kitsch. Way to go, Sting and Company! You're No. 1!
2. Foreigner--Or as we prefer to think of them, "the damp spot on the pants of rock."
3. Jefferson Starship/Starship--They built this city on rock'n'roll, but we're the ones stuck living in it. Have you seen the size of the rats?
4. Stray Cats--Rockabilly is the last refuge of a scoundrel. Or in Brian Setzer's case, a putz. Their mannered nostalgia-mongering made them the 80s equivalent of Sha Na Na, without the laughs. Neuter them!
5. Journey--The fact that nostalgia makes it possible for us to listen to "Wheel in the Sky" without projectile vomiting only goes to show you how dangerous nostalgia can be. Are you listening, Brian Setzer?
6. Yes--No! Had Yes stopped recording in the early seventies, they wouldn't be on this list. Sure, their "classic" material is a triumph of faux mysticism, squirrely vocalizing, and neoclassical chopmeistering over music, but at least this stuff is good for a laugh. Later Yes, which includes "Owner of a Lonely Heart", is bland commercial pap and proof that sometimes pretentious twaddle is still sometimes preferable to the Big Sellout.
7. U2--We actually like some U2 songs, a lot. So call us a hypocrite. But something doesn't sit right with us about this band, never has. We're talking about Bono, of course. It's simply impossible to trust a filthy rich do-gooder, and when it comes to making do-gooding part of your corporate brand and hence good for your wallet, we put the talented Mr. Vox right up there with Oprah.
8. Fugazi--Their much-vaunted principles go far towards obscuring the fact that they sucked. The Humble Pie of the nineties.
9. Toto--Small potatoes, but no less annoying for it. This "band" of crack studio hacks makes us think of that line, "The blues had a baby and they called it rock'n'roll and it pooped and they called the turd Toto." We think it's from a Muddy Waters song.
10. Air Supply--Unfortunately, they always had one.