Definition: Third-rate country rocker who has made an entire career of taking second-rate country rocker Randy Meisner's leavings. Fact: When Randy Meisner quit Poco, Timothy B. Schmit took his place. Fact: When Randy Meisner quit the Eagles, Timothy B. Schmit took his place. Getting the picture? When Randy Meisner leaves a girlfriend, Timothy B. Schmit starts dating her. When Randy Meisner quits an apartment, Timothy B. Schmit takes over the lease. When Randy Meisner drops a half-eaten sandwich in a trash can, Timothy B. Schmit pulls it back out and finishes it. Timothy B. Schmit even finishes Randy Meisner's half-finished sentences. Should Randy Meisner be interrupted while urinating, Timothy B. Schmit hustles up to the urinal and completes Randy's micturation. Timothy B. Schmit completed high school, college, and graduate school for Randy Meisner, and when Randy Meisner leaves this world, Timothy B. Schmit will take his place. He will. He's ready, willing, and able to take on any task that Randy Meisner has decided is not worth doing. Timothy B. Schmit is there.
It was the summer of 1962. We were working on a mystery without any clues.
We're talking, of course, about the so-called "Night Moves" case.
You probably remember the case; it was a real tearjerker. Male, 18, is brought to the emergency room in shock, both eyes gone. A real horrorshow.
Our investigation: strictly nowheresville until we detain the Seger punk.
Seger a key suspect: underweight nogoodnik, owner of a 1960 Chevrolet, young restless bored type. During the course of our interrogation, however, it becomes clear that while Seger's a JD loser, he lacks the stomach for cold-blooded deocularization. We're just about to cut him loose when he boasts he has a girlfriend with points quote "way up high." How high, we ask. "Way up firm and high," he responds.
Bingo: From the mouths of juvies.
We bring stiletto tits in for questioning, sure enough she breaks like a cheap yoyo, confesses to taking out vic's eyes--calls it an "accident of passion."
"Tell that to vic's seeing-eye pony, sweetheart," we tell her.
Far from our favorite song, approximately 8 million times, and never had any idea the Mickster was saying, "I was raised by a toothless, bearded hag." Hmmm. Wonder if it was the same toothless, bearded hag who raised us. We'll bet they keep records down at Bearded, Toothless Hag Local #415. We'll have to check. What we also wonder about in Jagger's case is whether BTH is also the Ma he howled at in the driving rain, or whether he lost said Ma in the crossfire hurricane and was discovered, perhaps floating in a basket like little Moses, by BTH. If you're out there, BTH, get in touch! It doesn't really matter though, does it? Now that everything's a gas gas gas. A gas gas gas gas gas gas gas gas gas. Whew!
mick, does that gas smell like musty hay? Are you an elephant? A dopey elephant?