It opens with Steven Seagal, action hero, parasailing. The wind sweeps his competent, action-hero hair. Then, tragedy strikes. Seagal is struck by an errant sea bird. At the exact same instant, a bolt of freak lightening strikes them both, producing a sizzling, unnatural, really rather unpleasant sound. The result: a freak of nature, a manbird, is born. A creature with the fierce determination and lethality of the soldier of fortune and the poetic attributes of a dated Richard Bach allegory about a bird who wanted only to follow his dreams. That creature was named: JONATHAN LIVINGSTON SEAGAL! Beautiful yet capable of pushing a bad guy's nose through his left ear with a single jab, poetic yet prone to swooping down to eat garbage on the beach, Jonathan Livingston Seagal must stop... somebody. We haven't gotten that far with the script yet. But believe us, this is our ticket to Hollywood. This is going to be bigger than Mike & Ike: The Movie, our aborted script starring Michael Douglas and Ike Turner as fruity candies trying to stop an evil Triad that is running dope through San Francisco's Chinatown.