Hey, is that Tex Watson, star high-school athlete turned star creepy-crawler for world-renowned performing artists, the Manson Family? It is! Say, Tex, how do you keep your teeth so white while living in the desert and eating garbage taken from dumpsters and thrown into Beach Boy Dennis Wilson's Rolls Royce? What's that? Of course! Tex says he brushes them 3 times a day with Colgate LSD. Colgate LSD's specially patented "Whiter Skiter" formula brightens your teeth and opens your mind to the fact that there's a hole in the desert where you can hunker down with Charlie and Squeaky and the rest of the gang until Helter Skelter is over and it's safe to come out and take over! Well, Tex, with teeth like yours, you won't have any trouble getting dates! Hey, can we try some Colgate LSD? Mmmm... do we detect hints of belladonna and telache? Hey, this is great! 30 seconds of brushing with Colgate LSD, and we can already feel each and every one of our teeth glowing like a little Christmas light made of death! Hey, Tex, what do you say we go kill us some piggies?
Colgate LSD: Helter Skelter never looked so white...
Heino ist kommt! Say what you will, Heino is the coolest Albino who ever walked the face of the earth. He looks like a secret agent from Planet Pinkeye. The hair-glasses combo, in fact his entire look, remind us of this biology teacher we had in high school who terrified everybody with his unpredictable yardstick-smashing rages, then turned around and got high with us after we graduated. Except if our teacher had been Heino he wouldn't have smoked pot with us. He'd have turned us on to Venusian Cannibal Weed then turned to us and said, "Does it uninhibit you? Be frank, please. Does it make you vant to grok mit Heino?"
Everybody loves Don McLean's "American Pie." If you don't love "American Pie" you're a goddamn communist, it's that simple. Don is as American as they come. Don is an honest to God American patriot and he has the thumb to prove it. See? Hmmm. God damn it, Don, have you been hanging out with the Bee Gees??
Funny, everybody says they're monsters, but they don't look like monsters. They look like a couple of middle-aged guys watching football. Let's throw something at them, shall we? Oooh! Got 'em both! And see, they're not angry. They're just calmly walking over to that group of sightseeing Latvian kindergartners and--oh. Geesh. That's harsh. That's--hey, guess they are monsters, after all.
Was signed on this day in 1938, averting what could have been a really nasty European war. Historians are still amazed that the mere annexation of the Sudetenland could have brought the major European powers to the brink of cataclysm. As for Adolf Hitler, who later went on to open a successful chain of meditation and rebirthing centers in Europe and America, he never tired of praising the diplomatic efforts of England's Neville Chamberlain and France's Edouard Daladier. "It could have gone out of control," he told interviewer Studs Terkel in 1990. "I was kind of uncentered then. It was like my life was one bad acid trip and Nev and Eddie were a couple of groovy loving brothers who were there to take me to the freakout tent. They chilled me out. Of course, Hoffman didn't actually turn me on to LSD until 1944. That's when I had my true spiritual awakening. Hug me, you big hairy copacetic yeti you."
You can check out our Washington City Paper review of Opeth here. They're, like, a Swedish death metal band and they're, like, really badass. Probably drink aquavit out of skulls in dark cemeteries, then break the bottles by throwing them at tombstones. Then head over to the pond to chase ducks.